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Rescuing Minnesota: A Three-Point Plan To Effect A New Paradigm of Success

Oops Pow Surprise is a founder and senior member of Black Heart Gold Consulting, an Iowa-based form that specializes in strategizing and public relations.

Greetings, Daily Gophers! If you're wondering why this post is here, before last weekend's game, BHGP and TDG made a bet that the winner would get a post front-paged on the loser's website.

Well, here we are, and to no sane man's surprise, the Hawkeyes won. By a lot. By so much that we started screwing married chicks in the bathroom out of boredom.

But to be perfectly honest, as Hawkeye fans, we're not terribly eager to come by here and gloat. It's just not sporting. After all, if a child beats a substantially smaller child, he is no hero or warrior, he is a bully.

Simply put, we're not into that. As a matter of fact, Minnesota, we're here to help, so here are three easy steps your school can take to avoid this sort of embarrassment in the future. All three suggestions are perfectly reasonable and well within Minnesota's best interests. We won't even ask for credit when they're enacted; virtue is its own reward.

1. Bring back Glen Mason.

At least under Uncle Glen, Minnesota was halfway competitive in the Big 10. Mason was the fourth-most tenured coach in Minnesota's tumultuous history, and the other three are long since dead. Mase won literally over half his games and never, ever lost by 55. Brewster has never been a head coach before and needs to learn how to manage a game that is not going his way, and if there's one coach that knows about that, it's Uncle Glen.

2. Avoid the embarrassment of being outdrawn at your own stadium by an out-of-state rival by moving to a smaller stadium.

Downsizing is so 21st century, and we think the TCF Bank move is a decent first step. Not many teams would have the self-honesty to construct the second-smallest stadium in their conference. But at the same time, it seems fairly obvious that an open-air stadium in Minnesota can never consistently draw 50,000 Gopher fans, especially after the first deep freeze of the fall (usually around September 12). The stadium's architects noted that it can be expanded to up to 80,000 seats, which is adorable, but perhaps it would be wise to look into contraction.

Betterstadium_medium

Our state-of-the-art computer rendition of a more realistic stadium size is shown here, and we feel it's much more in line with the Gophers' long-term goals.

3. Move to the MAC.

The Mid-American Conference is home to many proud academic and athletic institutions, and such a move would be benificial to not only Minnesota, but the MAC and Big Ten as well. The MAC could finally field an even number of teams, and the Big Ten would no longer have its 11-team identity disorder. Moreover, Minnesota would truly be among its peers, both in terms of geography but athletic prowess and fan support as well. The MAC would potentially afford the Gophers multiple bowl opportunities, such as the Motor City Bowl in picturesque Detroit, and also the ubiquitous "At Large Bid (if applicable)." Seems exciting!

 

And there you have it. By redirecting efforts toward more modest, reasonably attainable goals, the Minnesota athletic department can avoid its decades-long tradition of embarrassment against Iowa and the other legitimate members of the Big Ten (basically everyone but Minnesota and Northwestern). Die-hard fans can revel in the prospect of a Gopher Renaissance in the MAC, which is still technically I-A, and the rest of the Big Ten can switch to a, shall we say, more opt-in system of playing Minnesota, rather than being mandated to do so by conference officials.

Again, no need to thank me. Black Heart Gold Consulting is a labor of love, not glory or profit. We look forward to seeing Minnesota on Iowa's schedule once every ten Septembers or so, when Iowa needs a MACrifice to fill out the year's slate. In the meantime, we'll sure miss you.

Editors of The Daily Gopher retain the right to remove posts deemed excessively offensive or grossly inappropriate. Keep it clean and don't be mean.

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