Goldy Gopher For President of the B1G Mascots

Performing my civic duty got in the way of the Nugz. Enjoy this election day themed filler in its place.

You may not know it, but today is kind of an important day. It's the day we vote for who is going to represent the B1G as president of the mascots. Let's review the candidates and the good/bad about each of them (listed in alphabetical school order):

Herky Hawkeye


Pro: Isn't a half human/half mascot hybrid like this guy. Is patriotic.

Con: Smells like pig feces. Can't fly. Mistreats Floyd.

Sparty Spartan


Pro: Works out. Defeated Xerxes.

Con: Steroid abuser. Missing the T portion of the GTL meathead routine.

Goldy Gopher


Pro: Is from Minnesota. Is a national champion. Can spin his head. Capable of doing this to the other candidates:

Con: Um..............Is too awesome?

Herbie Husker/Lil' Red


Pro: Wholesome. Knows hot girls.

Con: Meth abuser, which led Nebraska to supplement his performances with...



Con: Is scary and evil. Demon spawn.

Willie the Wildcat


Pro: Intelligent. Rich.

Con: Stuck up. Too cool to participate in the Call Me Maybe video.

Brutus Buckeye


Pro: Is environmentally friendly.

Con: Is a plaything for squirrels. Is a bit of a nut (har har har).

Nittany Lion


Pro: I don't have anything. Worst. Mascot. Ever.

Con: Worst. Mascot. Ever. Yes, even worse than the human/mascot hybrid from KSU.

Purdue Boilermaker/Purdue Pete


Pro: Is a train.

Con: Really? A train?


Pro: Hardworking. Has a big hammer.

Con: Secondary mascot behind a steam locomotive. Evil, soulless eyes that scare children. Also too cool to be part of the Call Me Maybe video.

Bucky Badger


Pro: There is nothing redeeming about Bucky.

Con: Is actually a skunk wearing a popcorn box. Has beady, evil eyes. Cannot spin his head. Primary color is one that you'd be better of dead than wearing.

So, now that you are fully informed of your choices it is time to vote.

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