In my Q&A with Black Heart Gold Pants I admitted a painful truth...that I don't hate Iowa Basketball the way I hate Iowa Football. As I said then, I do HATE Iowa. But during basketball season it always feels more forced. This saddened me, so I decided it was time to create a HATE PREVIEW to get myself in the proper spirit.
Before we get started, here is a nice Facebook Cover Photo for you all to use for your everyday Iowa HATE needs:
When and Where:
Sunday 2/3 @ 12pm, The Barn (aka: an arena far superior to Carver-Hawkeye)
Head Coach: Fran McCaffery (3rd season). Known for using chairs as proxies for referees during his violent fits of rage.
Skills: Faces of Disgust (+22) and CHAIR SMASH (+1000)
Weaknesses: Amish made chairs. The love and effort that goes into the craftsmanship of each one counteracts his furniture related hatred. This is why Fran fears the Amana Colonies and has a provision in his contract which decrees that no basketball player from that area may ever be a part of his program.
Key Players: Aaron White - Forward
Skills: Ginger (+666)
Weaknesses: People with souls, direct sunlight, unable to be a pirate (despite multiple attempts).
Things to HATE about Iowa:
- Everything. Even the people who come up with airport codes know that Iowa is a horrible place (the code for Sioux City's airport = SUX).
- The smell. Oh god almighty the smell.
- The lack of distinct or enjoyable geographical features.
- Their Floyd thievery. #FREEFLOYD
- Their shoddy treatment of said beloved pig.
- The way they cheated via the NCAA wrestling rulebook to defeat the Gophers in wrestling even though they tied.
- They gave Captain Curt a insane contract buyout that could hamstring their program for years. Oh wait, I like that.
- This is the state that birthed Pantherhawk. That is all.
- Their basketball arena looks like it was built using an Erector Set.
- Their land killed Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, and Richie Vallen.
Completely Worthless Predictions:
Iowa fans will not find the Williams Arena bathroom facilities to their liking, Minnesota will win, and Iowa will continue to smell of pig feces and unfulfilled dreams.