Iowa Hawkeyes @ Minnesota Gopher Basketball - The FREE FLOYD Preview

Elliot Mann

You want stats and actual analysis of the hooptyball matchup? You've come to the wrong place friend.

In my Q&A with Black Heart Gold Pants I admitted a painful truth...that I don't hate Iowa Basketball the way I hate Iowa Football. As I said then, I do HATE Iowa. But during basketball season it always feels more forced. This saddened me, so I decided it was time to create a HATE PREVIEW to get myself in the proper spirit.

Before we get started, here is a nice Facebook Cover Photo for you all to use for your everyday Iowa HATE needs:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic


When and Where:

Sunday 2/3 @ 12pm, The Barn (aka: an arena far superior to Carver-Hawkeye)

Image and video hosting by TinyPic



Radio: ESPN1500 and the Gopher Radio Network (Radio Affiliates). You can also listen to the game via the IHeartRadio app for your mobile device.

Weather Forecast:

It's hooptyball.


Head Coach: Fran McCaffery (3rd season). Known for using chairs as proxies for referees during his violent fits of rage.

Skills: Faces of Disgust (+22) and CHAIR SMASH (+1000)

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Weaknesses: Amish made chairs. The love and effort that goes into the craftsmanship of each one counteracts his furniture related hatred. This is why Fran fears the Amana Colonies and has a provision in his contract which decrees that no basketball player from that area may ever be a part of his program.

Key Players: Aaron White - Forward

Skills: Ginger (+666)

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Weaknesses: People with souls, direct sunlight, unable to be a pirate (despite multiple attempts).

Things to HATE about Iowa:

- Everything. Even the people who come up with airport codes know that Iowa is a horrible place (the code for Sioux City's airport = SUX).

- The smell. Oh god almighty the smell.

- The lack of distinct or enjoyable geographical features.

- Their Floyd thievery. #FREEFLOYD

- Their shoddy treatment of said beloved pig.

- The way they cheated via the NCAA wrestling rulebook to defeat the Gophers in wrestling even though they tied.

- They gave Captain Curt a insane contract buyout that could hamstring their program for years. Oh wait, I like that.

- This is the state that birthed Pantherhawk. That is all.

- Their basketball arena looks like it was built using an Erector Set.

- Slipknot.

- Their land killed Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, and Richie Vallen.

Completely Worthless Predictions:

Iowa fans will not find the Williams Arena bathroom facilities to their liking, Minnesota will win, and Iowa will continue to smell of pig feces and unfulfilled dreams.

***A hat-tip to @elliotmann for letting me MS Paint one of his fine t-shirts for the photo lede.

SB Nation Featured Video
Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join The Daily Gopher

You must be a member of The Daily Gopher to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at The Daily Gopher. You should read them.

Join The Daily Gopher

You must be a member of The Daily Gopher to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at The Daily Gopher. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.