You want stats and actual analysis of the hooptyball matchup? You've come to the wrong place friend.
In my Q&A with Black Heart Gold Pants I admitted a painful truth...that I don't hate Iowa Basketball the way I hate Iowa Football. As I said then, I do HATE Iowa. But during basketball season it always feels more forced. This saddened me, so I decided it was time to create a HATE PREVIEW to get myself in the proper spirit.
Before we get started, here is a nice Facebook Cover Photo for you all to use for your everyday Iowa HATE needs:
When and Where:
Sunday 2/3 @ 12pm, The Barn (aka: an arena far superior to Carver-Hawkeye)
Head Coach: Fran McCaffery (3rd season). Known for using chairs as proxies for referees during his violent fits of rage.
Skills: Faces of Disgust (+22) and CHAIR SMASH (+1000)
Weaknesses: Amish made chairs. The love and effort that goes into the craftsmanship of each one counteracts his furniture related hatred. This is why Fran fears the Amana Colonies and has a provision in his contract which decrees that no basketball player from that area may ever be a part of his program.
Key Players: Aaron White - Forward
Skills: Ginger (+666)
Weaknesses: People with souls, direct sunlight, unable to be a pirate (despite multiple attempts).
Things to HATE about Iowa:
- Everything. Even the people who come up with airport codes know that Iowa is a horrible place (the code for Sioux City's airport = SUX).
- The smell. Oh god almighty the smell.
- The lack of distinct or enjoyable geographical features.
- Their Floyd thievery. #FREEFLOYD
- Their shoddy treatment of said beloved pig.
- The way they cheated via the NCAA wrestling rulebook to defeat the Gophers in wrestling even though they tied.
- They gave Captain Curt a insane contract buyout that could hamstring their program for years. Oh wait, I like that.
- This is the state that birthed Pantherhawk. That is all.
- Their basketball arena looks like it was built using an Erector Set.
- Their land killed Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, and Richie Vallen.
Completely Worthless Predictions:
Iowa fans will not find the Williams Arena bathroom facilities to their liking, Minnesota will win, and Iowa will continue to smell of pig feces and unfulfilled dreams.
When I think of Iowa, I think of...
...pig feces. (8 votes)
...bathroom fornication. (12 votes)
...empty wastelands. (3 votes)
...nothingness. Seriously, who wastes any time thinking about Iowa? Iowa HATE is visceral and automatic. (22 votes)
45 total votes