Big Ten Nicknames: Who would win in real life?


GoAUpher: Written last week and possibly missed by many in the HATE WEEK madness. Bumping because it's fun and we need a little levity around here.


What if Big Ten nicknames, or what they represent, fought in real life? Which Big Ten nicknames would have the upper hand?

What follows is a logical and emotionless look at the facts. There really can be only one overall loser in this battle.

Some of the rules/caveats: Since all of these nicknames are referred to in the plural, could a swarm of one nickname beat a swarm of another? And if I don't know what one is, it probably couldn't beat those nicknames that a person can actually visualize. So ...

  1. Illinois Fighting Illini -- I give the nod to Native Americans as the most unbeatable for 2 reasons: 1) they are "people" and we all know people are more intelligent and crafty than animal-based mascots and 2) we are within the Native Americans' home turf.
  2. Michigan State Spartans -- A very, very close second. We all know the Spartans were great warriors, but I think the Illini would make mincemeat out of them, especially if the battle was fought in Big Ten country.
  3. Purdue Boilermakers -- Again, a Boilermaker is a person and as such would probably be smart enough to beat any animal. This is especially true since a Boilermaker is a person with a sledge hammer.
  4. Penn State Nittany Lions -- No one is exactly sure what a "Nittany" Lion is, but I'm pretty sure a pride of lions could take down any animal listed below.
  5. Nebraska Cornhuskers -- Sorry, even though this is a human based mascot, I don't care how much corn you have. A pride of lions will enjoy feasting on your corn-fed bodies.
  6. Michigan Wolverines -- Commonly known as a rather tenacious animal, a group of wolverines would probably be pretty difficult to fight against.
  7. Wisconsin Badgers -- I am of the opinion that badgers are a lot like wolverines in terms of tenacity, but you usually hear that wolverines are more vicious.
  8. Northwestern Wildcats -- A group of wildcats could probably take down a group of gophers, but not a group of badgers.
  9. Minnesota Golden Gophers -- Unfortunately probably the most defeatable complete animal nickname in the Big Ten. I may be a homer, but I have to be honest. However, a group of gophers would most definitely enjoy a meal of buckeye nuts.
  10. Ohio State Buckeyes -- A mascot named after a nut. Unless the nuts could throw themselves at a group of gophers I think it is safe to assume that the gophers would come out on top.
  11. Indiana Hoosiers -- I don't know what a Hoosier is. You could argue that a Hoosier is a person, but for the most part it is a made up word. However, whatever it is, it could most likely beat ...
  12. Iowa Hawkeyes -- A Hoosier could probably beat a hawk eye, or a group of hawk eyes. In fact, I'm pretty sure an eyeball can't beat anything and that is why the Hawkeyes are the weakest nickname, overall, in the Big Ten. I mean it isn't even an eagle's eyeball, or something cool like a falcon's eyeball. Just a garden variety hawk's eyeball. Kind of pathetic when you think about it.

So, there you have it. You can try to argue, but you would be wrong.

One more thing. Who hates Iowa? I hate Iowa.

Editors of The Daily Gopher retain the right to remove posts deemed excessively offensive or grossly inappropriate. Keep it clean and don't be mean.

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