So I found myself stuck in the Quality Inn in Lincoln, Nebraska for a work trip last night. Having only my hotel's cable package, I decided to do a running diary of my thoughts just like Bill Simmons used to do on ESPN's Page 2. Hopefully you will find this humorous. I tried. Some is my venting at the NFL. A lot is my venting at ESPN. Ignore several of my misspellings...its late and I don't feel like editing too closely. Hopefully this will be the first of a series of running diaries, but we will try and make them more Gopher centric next time.
7:00 Cue cheesy ESPN Player montage set to Aloe Black. Oh Goodie!! The draft begins. I know I missed all the player introductions and stuff, but who really cares. Most of those players will be busts anyways. It’s when they linger in the Green room for hours upon hours is when it gets both fun and sad.
7:01 I’m going to tell everybody that I’m the man who is going to kill them if I have to hear this song in about four hours when this first round still has 7 picks to go… yes I am yes I am yes I am yes I am.
7:02 Crap Berman. Would prefer Eisen and Mayock on NFL Network, but apparently the Quality Inn in Lincoln NE doesn’t carry the NFL Network. It’s 5 hours of Berman,Gruden, Kiper, McShay and ritual cutting for me tonight.
7:05 Goodell gets booed. Least surprising moment of evening. Texans on clock. Cue 10 minutes of recap of Clowney vs Mack vs trade speculation that we have heard for the last week.
Jobu blesses you booing fans at Radio City. Roger Goodell deserves every ounce of your vitriol.— Chris H. (@GoAUpher) May 9, 2014
7:08 Ray Lewis likes Clowney’s passion. You have to have passion in this league. You also have to have passion to kill two guys.* Or so I’ve heard. (*Come on…..you know he did it)
7:09: First Ed Werder sighting! Drink. Oh wait....all I have here is diet Mt. dew and water. Worst NFL Draft drinking game ever.— Andy York (@yorka1982) May 9, 2014
Gruden wants the Texans to take a QB with the #1 pick.....shocking I tell you...— Andy York (@yorka1982) May 9, 2014
7:13: Mel Kiper tells Gruden that taking a QB here would be overdrafting. This is going to be very very painful.
7:14 Kiper vs Gruden argue Johnny Football vs Bama and LSU. I’m not going to make the Vikings pick at this rate much less the end of the first round.
7:16: Clowney to Houston. Well that was anticlimactic. So much for this going off the rails early.
The Clowney selection is official. Rams up— Jason La Canfora (@JasonLaCanfora) May 9, 2014
Looks like we are tipping picks again this year. I saw this a good 2 minutes prior to the pick being announced. Can we just do this whole damn thing on twitter? Less Berman = Happy gopherguy05!
7:18 Suzy Kolber interviews Clowney. First praise of Momma! Drink!
7:20 First commercial break. St Louis Pick is in. We sit and wait for tv to come back. This is why this takes 6 freaking hours…
7:24 St Louis picks Greg Robinson. Another non surprising pick. Woo (what’s the sarcasm font again)
7:27 Gruden ripping the 2nd pick of the draft and consensus best offensive lineman in the draft. Shoot….me…..now…
7:29: BORTLES!?!?!! THANK YOU JACKSONVILLE FOR MAKING ME WANT TO LIVE AGAIN!!!!
Wait....did Gruden just call Chad Freaking Henne the "perfect mentor for Bortles" Jacksonville is soooooo screwed— Andy York (@yorka1982) May 9, 2014
Ohhhhh, Jedd Fisch is the OC at Jacksonville. Suddenly it all makes sense.— Nate Gelber (@NateGelber) May 9, 2014
7:35 Buffalo trades up to get past Cleveland??? Did Cleveland want Bortles that badly? Would make sense, it is Cleveland….
7:36: WAIT…BUFFALO TRADED ITS #1 NEXT YEAR TO MOVE UP 5 FREAKING SPOTS????
7:37: Sammy Watkins. Two firsts and a fourth for Sammy Watkins. EJ Manuel better be damn good or else that was a huge waste.
7:39: So every single mock draft is now dead right? I mean if you got this all right you have SERIOUS issues…
7:41 Oakland on the clock. This is usually where drafts get weird. But it already has. Time to step up your game Raiders…
7:43 Khalil Mack for Oakland. You made a smart pick. What in the damned hell is this world coming too?
7:44 Let me guess….Ray Lewis loves it, Gruden hates it….
7:45 Yep…called it.
7:46: Lots of trades, but none helping Minnesota so far. Still plenty of time for the Vikings to get screwed and not be able to trade down and have to way overreach for a defensive player.
Second straight year w/ a Top 5 pick for #MACtion. Previous high was No. 9 in 1961.— Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) May 9, 2014
7:48 Atlanta on the clock. Rumors were they wanted an O-Tackle ..and there are two good ones there. So watch them take Johnny Football…
7:50 Atlanta takes Jake Matthews. First of a trio of Texas A&M players to go?
7:50.30 Naw…..MN will f-that up.
7:53. Does Atlanta play Green Bay this year. Would pay decently to see some Mathews on Mathews violence.
7:54. Suzy answers my question! Monday Night Bloodbath! MAKE IT HAPPEN ESPN!!!
7:55 TB takes Mike Evans. A&M x2. Will the Vikings make it #3 will JFF?
7:56 Pick is in once again, ESPN guys know it, Gruden still trying to sell Tampa on JFF even though that ship sailed loooong ago. Ray Lewis takes bait this time and tips pick without tipping pick.
7:57 I personally hope they trade down…not that it wouldn’t be fun to see JFF here in town, but I do actually want to see MN win.
And this is the point of the draft were things get a bit hilarious.
8:00. CLEVELAND TRADES UP WITH MN ONE SPOT! HERE’S JOHNNY!!!!
8:02 Lots of Vikings fans mad for not taking Manziel. I don’t agree, but understand why some are pissed.
8:03: Gruden name drops Alex Tanney #d3football #Midwestconference.
8:04: JUSTIN GILBERT!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
8:05: LOLOLOLOLOLOL GASP…..LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
8:07. Vikings rubes freaking out on twitter again. I really think one might lynch Speilman if JFF isn’t the pick here.
8:08 Pick is in…….
8:08.30 And ESPN goes to commercial. Seriously? F- you NFL.
8:11: They finally announce Anthony Barr is the pick. LOLZ! Lots of boos. Can’t wait to see some of the twitter pics from the Vikings draft party. Guessing Spielman will be hung in effigy before the end of the night.
8:14 Barry Sanders to announce the Lion’s pick. Can he just be redrafted?
8:15 Eric Ebron. A Tight End. Gues Detroit plans on winning every game 52-45 next season.
8:21. Pick has been in for 4 minutes again. Sigh....
8:22 Gruden thinks its Manziel to Tennessee. Again……just like the last 10 picks. Seriously….shut the hell up already.
8:23: it’s the Michigan rape coverer-upper who goes to Tennessee. Watch out ladies of Nashville…..
8:24: Schefter starts the JFF spiral watch. Cue the sad Green Room Shots every other pick.
8:29 Giants pick is in. Odell Beckham. Nice pick for the NYG. Eli’s happy…though you probably can’t tell it by looking at his face.
8:33 Time to try and find some people to deliver me food. Wish people would deliver me beer too….time to make that a service.
8:34 Sad JFF green room shot. Drink!
8:37 Aaron Donald to St. Louis. Scary D-line now. They could be sneaky this fall.
8:40 Bears pick is in…..and commercial. WTF…
8:43 TV comes back…another sad JFF shot. And now a Teddy Shot. ESPN is getting into the #QBgaze business.
8:44 Bears select Kyle Fuller- DB from Virginia Tech. No Dennard. So #BigTen
8:47 Pittsburgh takes Ryan Shazier from tOSU! Now that is so #Big Ten
8:48 Dallas on the clock…will JerryWorld be JFF’s new home?
8:51 Will our long national Gruden nightmare be finally over??
8:52 Pick is in…..did Jerry be as stupid and irrational as usual???
8:53 NOOOOOOOO ! Zack Martin. Oakland and Dallas making smart reasonable picks….I don’t want to live in this world anymore…
8:54 But Seriously…who is going to trade up for him now. Baltimore won’t take him, not the Jets, not Miami. Only at least 3 more picks of Gruden. Let me get my scissors….
8:57 Aaron Rodgers free-fall recap. Was wondering how long ESPN would take to pull out that footage.
8:59 Soon to be 17 picks in 2 hours. This might actually be over by 11:30. There are such things as miracles….
9:00 First Bama player off the board with C. J. Mosely to Baltimore. Ray Louis loves it…..shocking. Guessing Gruden hates it….
9:01 Everyone is waiting for the next trade to happen. Would love to see someone trade in and not take JFF just to troll everyone..
9:03 Who will be Eric Decker’s new teammate? Another receiver to steal fantasy points from him? Oh wait…never mind Gino will do that by himself.
9:06 Jets waiting a long time to pick….maybe someone trying to trade up??
9:07 Jimmy John’s finally arrives. Wish I had Beer to go with it….
9:08 Another sad JFF green room shot. Hope someone is photoshopping some of these
9:09 Pick is in….commercial??
9:11 Nope just 2 minutes of ESPN bloviating….Calvin Prior breaks the safety cherry.
9:12 Holy crap a commercial break not right after the Pick is in graphic pops up….
9:13 Realizing how much I miss my DVR as I just tried to rewind something using the crappy hotel remote for the second time tonight….
9:15 Seeing Kiper’s best available I’m sure MN will trade up into 1st round and get Dennard and not JFF to troll Vikes Rubes again.
9:18 Ja’Wuan James OT from Tennessee goes to Miami. James wins for best first name so far tonight.
9:19 Arizona on the clock…first possible Hageman location
9:19.30 And…..Arizona trades pick to New Orleans. Can’t see a JFF trade up here. Darqueze Dennard maybe??
9:22 Aaron Rodgers and Zach Efron in the same commercial? So many potential jokes, so little time…
9:25 Blah…Blah…Blah…just show the damn pick please.
9:26 Finally. Brandin Cooks WR from Oregon St. Brees gets his own Tavon Austin. That’s actually a scary thought.
9:27 Packers on the clock. Another potential Shede landing spot (god I hope not) Could see the pack getting Dennard here though…and of course him being awesome.
9:31 Packers taking a while. Probably trying to trade down. Guessing no one wants to pay price to move up to get JFF though.
9:32 Pick is in…no trade for Packers. Guessing Clinton-Dix or Dennard.
9:34 Ha Ha it is. Guessing the Vikings will be getting laughed at by Sconnies for at least the next five years. Goody…
9:35 Over/Under number of Nelson Muntz pictures being posted on twitter by Packer fans right now…..10,000.
9:36 Eagles on the clock. JFF to Kelly?
9:38 Gruden pulling out the JFF committed to Oregon line…
9:39 Gruden tells Kiper "you don’t think like Andy Reid" Well it only took 2 hours and thirty-nine minutes but we finally jumped the shark.
9:40 Cleveland trades up again! JFF Time this time??? Or do we laugh hysterically at them again??
9:41 If this isn’t JFF Gruden might kill himself/ Berman. Please be Dennard!!!
9:42 JFF is off the board. Get ready Cleveland….this should be fun for you.
9:43 Jay Glazer reporting Vikes thought they had deal with Eagles to get JFF, but Browns got deal instead…..LOL
9:44 Spielman won’t make it out of Minneapolis tonight….
9:46 Last time Cleveland traded up to 22 to get a QB…..Brandon Weeden. Before that? Brady Quinn. Just sayin….
9:47 At least the Cleveland Goodwill’s will make a killing selling recycled Tim Couch jerseys….
9:48 KC on the clock now. Probably not a spot for Shede. It will come down to 28-32 to see if he goes in the first round I think…
9:49 Is there even enough $$ to pay Manzel for his autographs in Cleveland??
9:50 Nothing like a high profile qb getting drafted by a corrupt trucking magnet. These kind of stories always end well.
9:51 Johnny Manzel’s mentor in Cleveland……Vince Young. LOL….again…this will end well.
9:51.30 Did Sal Pal just say a bum told Haslem to draft Manzel. Seems about right….
9:52 KC takes a DE from Auburn named Dee Ford. Silence in the hall. Yep….
9:54 Pick is in for Cincy….and we’re at commercial. Of course we are.
9:57 Finally they announce Cincy gets Dennard. Replace Leon Hall with a younger Leon Hall. Enjoy watching him play @Goaupher. Should be a fun one.
10:00 Draft enters fourth hour and we go to another commercial. We seriously could do this in like 2 hours NFL.
10:03 San Diego pick finally announced as Jason Verrett CB from TCU. D-Back run!! But really quality picks by the last two teams for this late in the first round…
10:04 Philly back on the clock after ending our national nightmare and trading pick to Cleveland. Could see another DB? Shede? Prob not, but Arizona next maybe if they don’t get a qb.
10:06 Commercial. Two in 5 minutes ESPN? Seriously?
10:07 One of these years I’m just going to watch this on DVR I like 25 minutes. Just for spite…..
10:08 Pick is in….let’s see how long this takes.
10:09 Only a minute delay this time….Eagles get Marcus Smith, DE from Louisville. Boos from the Eagles faithful. Then again they booed Santa…
10:10 Arizona back on the clock. Guessing Carr or Shede here…
10:15 Pick is in…ESPN heads think it will be a qb. Of course they do.
10:16 Deone Bucannon- Safety from Washington St. Ok then. Larry Fitz has got to hate his life right about now…
10:17 Carolina’s pick is already in. They knew who they wanted in a hurry. Not a qb one would assume…
10:18 But instead of announcing pick…lets show Washington State guy drafted wearing Cincinatti Reds hat going to Arizona…
10:18.30 Goodell picking up the pace….he wants to go to bed. Kelivin Benjamin- WR from Free Seafood University. A threat for Cam….nice pick.
10:19 New England on the clock. Definate Shede possibility. Also could go after Teddy since it sounds like they are trading Ryan Mallett.
10:20 Four picks left. Will Shede go? Could go to any of the last four picks. Who will trade in to try and sinpe a QB? Will I not fall asleep to the dulcet tones of Ray Lewis’s voice?
10:21 Another freaking commercial. Guess ESPN thinks no one is watching anymore. That or Berman and Gruden need their batteries recharged.
10:22 New England Pick in during commercial break. You Betcha!
10:24 Berman mumbles…..still no pick. Going to cut someone…
10:26 Gruden thinks DT..Shede? Nope. Florida DE Dominique Easley. Missed 9 games with a torn ACL in 2013. Belicheck Special.
10:27. 49ers on clock. Denver and then Seattle to go. Two potential spots for Shede, and then Seattle looking to trade out.
10:28 Another bleeping commercial. About to throw something through hotel tv. Will pay good $$ to someone in NYC who can bitchslap Goodell/ ESPN producer.
10:30 Pick in. Of course it is. Twitter says its Safety Jimmy Ward from Northern Illinois. So a Kill coached player goes in the first round….just not the one we all want. Down to Denver or Seattle for Shede’s hopes.
10:32 Pick finally announced. Seriously…let’s think this just twitter draft thing over for next season NFL.
10:34 Another commercial. Wow….I’ve lost words….
10:35 Pick in. This should have been over an hour ago. Never doing this again for a ESPN televised event….
10:38 Bradley Roby, CB from Ohio State goes to Denver. Big Ten, but not Shede. Up to Seattle now. Not liking that…
10:41 Another commercial. Luckily the last or else I might kill someone.
10:42 VIKINGS TRADE UP TO 32….ITS GONNA BE A QB!
10:43 UNLESS ITS SHEDE????? Doubtful.
10:44 Not Carr….Not Carr…Not Carr……
10:45 Are you Ready for Teddy??
10:46 SHIT THE BED FOR TED!! What a way to end the draft…..Forever it will be Bridgewater vs JFF…..
10:48 ESPN guys love the Teddy pick….probably the curse of death.
10:49 Well that was an interesting way to finish that...
So…what did we learn tonight? ESPN is the devil when it comes to commercials. Johnny Football makes a good sad face. Shede unfortunately is not a first round pick, but will be a high second. You can #tankforteddy, by trading with the Super Bowl Champion.
I’d love to say this was fun….but it sure was interesting. Tune in tomorrow night when we see where Shede ends up, and maybe even Brock Vereen. Just don’t expect another one of these for a while.
If you made it through my nearly 20,000 word opus. Congrats! See what Nebraska will do to you!