When you think about Iowa, what crosses your mind? 8,000 calorie dinners? Kum N Go gas stations? The Pizza Ranch?
It's Iowa Week, which means IOWA HATE WEEK. Here's a few reasons to look scornfully (or humorously, you figure it out) towards the Hawkeye State in anticipation of taking the Pig back to the new trophy room at TCF this Saturday:
(1) Let's first look back to last Saturday. Kirk Ferentz took a knee at the end of regulation instead of trying to actually win a game in Columbus. The irony was that Iowa moved the ball further in reverse in overtime than it did at the end of regulation. Well done, Herkeyes.
(2) Iowa likes to find its best football players in furniture marts (Shonn Greene) and grocery stores (Kurt Warner - who played for the Herkeye's arena football league team). This obviously shows Iowa is pro-unions and is negatively contributing to out-of-control health care costs in this nation.
(3) Seriously, the Field of Dreams is your biggest tourist attraction? My wife's grandmother grew up in Dyersville and when we drove her to the FoD, she wouldn't leave the car to look at the diamond. She complained that the site was a waste of a cornfield. Take that Costner.
(4) Iowa sucks so bad that it's forced to play a redshirt freshman QB, who also sucks. On the other hand, the Gophers are so awesome that Tim Brewster and Jedd Fisch CHOOSE not to play redshirt freshman QB MarQueis Gray. Obviously, the Gophers are just letting other teams enjoy competitive matchups this year.
How else are the Gophers being generous? Eric Decker's not really hurt. You saw how he was "injured" - you really think that forward step required surgery? We're resting him for the Pizza Pizza Bowl.
(5) Paki? Jewel? Who names your running backs - Vince McMahon?
(6) I've been to Kinnick. Seriously - I don't think your adulterous drunkard fans can fit in the stalls in order to attempt to procreate and ruin their marriages. In that sense, the Metrodome was cutting edge. You'll also find that TCF has adequate floor space for a drunken liaison with that cougar from Quasqueton.
(7) Ashton Kutcher? Thanks a lot.
(8) You can take Tom Arnold back too. Thanks for that.
(9) I went to a Minnesota Timberwolves game in 2007 - it was their last game of the year. Ricky Davis (one glorious year at Iowa) was on the Wolves. I was close enough to the floor to see him listen to the coach approximately zero minutes, and watch him hit on the T-cheerbabes all game long. I believe his stat line was 1-25, all from behind the 3-point line. Heck of a ball player I say.
(10) And while I'm thinking of Iowa basketball, LOL-LITER.