clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Coors Light is the #1 Beer in Canada- and I am Ashamed!

New, comments

This has absolutely nothing to do with the Gophers or college sports, but it does have to do with beer, so I thought I'd mention it: The New York Times is reporting the NHL has signed a deal worth $400 million that makes Molson Canadian the Official Beer of the NHL. Well in some US markets it'll be Coors Light, and in Quebec, since they don't sell Canadian there (which makes sense since they try not to be associated with Canada as much as possible), it's Molson Export. But still, that's a lot of coin the folks at Molson Coors in Canada and MillerCoors here in America are throwing at the NHL. Personally, I love Molson Canadian and I love hockey, so it works for me. Canadian has overtaken Kokanee as my favorite lager, and if you're looking for a good, cheap lager to drink while cheering on the Gophers, watching sports, mowing the lawn, operating heavy machinery or whatever it is you do while drinking beer, I highly recommend it.

So why do I feel shame for all of Canada? Because of this from Dave Perkins, the president of Molson Coors Canada...

He said that Coors Light was the No. 1 beer brand in Canada and Molson Canadian was No. 3.

WHAT?!?!?!? Coors Light?!?! The No. 1 beer brand in all of Canada?!!? What the hell happened since I left there? How in the Great White North can Canadians prefer Coors-Freaking-Light over Molson or Kokanee or even Labatt? (Moosehead? Meh) Have they no standards? No taste? No sense of nationalism? If an American beer is the most "drunk" beer in Canada, couldn't it at least be Miller Light or a cool, crisp Budweiser? PBR? Something at least respectible?

In my experience drinking beer at bars, especially in the States, I've always though of Coors Light as "Girls Light"; I'm not saying you're a girl if you like Coors Light, I just know more women than men who drink it. So what does this say about Canada? Yes, our women drink beer. Lots of it. Then again, everyone drinks beer in Canada- you have to to stay warm during the 10 month winters. A Canadian mother's breast milk is 50% beer (depending on the woman it's some combination of stout, porter, and/or ale. Or if this story about Coors Light is correct then it's 100% light beer!), 25% rye, 17% hockey pucks, 9% zamboni fumes, 6% whole milk, and 1% Neil Young's Essence (If you're thinking that math doesn't add up, I was using metric Canadian math, so think again!). So maybe we have a higher percentage of people drinking beer in Canada, but I still don't see how it's possible that more Canadians are CH-CH-CHOOSING to drink Coors Light than anything else.

I always liked to believe that Canada, a country founded on ales, would always have superior taste in beer to America, a country founded on pilsners and lagers which eventually would turn into, yes, light beer. We as a nation prided ourselves on having stronger alcohol content than those watered-down American beers, yet apparently all along, more Canadians than I cared to know about were thirsting for exactly that. Apparently the beer most Canadians prefer is lacks just as much taste and is just as watered-down as American beers- because it IS an American beer!

So what's next, Canada, after this bombshell comes out? Will basketball replace hockey as the unofficial official national sport (for the record, lacrosse is the "official" official national sport of Canada)? Will shuffleboard replace curling as the unofficial official national past time? Will MTV replace the CBC as the country's national channel? Lady Gaga replacing the Tragically Hip as "Canada's House Band"? Private healthcare replace the country's socialist national health care? Tis a sad, sad day to be a Canadian because the nation has lost its values, lost its core, and perhaps lost its identity: Coors Light is the beer of choice. Take off eh, you hosers!