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Gopher Football: An interview with the "Bye Week"

A fictional interview regarding the Gophers upcoming date with the bye week.

Usually on Thursday's we do a Q & A with a rival blogger from the team we are facing the upcoming Saturday. With this week being the Gophers bye week, there obviously is no rival blogger with whom to have a Q & A about the upcoming game, right?

Perhaps that is a bit hasty. There's no Bye Week Blog (Maybe there should be. If anyone starts a bye week blog that makes money I want royalties.). Perhaps we should be asking questions of the bye week.

JDMill: Hello there, bye week. Thank you so much for agreeing to talk with me about your meeting with the Gophers this week.

Bye Week: Well, it's a pleasure to do so. The fans of most of the teams that I meet tend to ignore me almost as if they are taking the week off. It hurts at first, but you get used to it. I don't cry as much as I used to, but...

JD: Oh... so you, um... you're going to talk about feelings, is that the deal?

BW: I don't get much of a chance to get things off my chest, and since you have an interest in talking with me I thought maybe I could...

JD: Alright, moving on then...

BW: I love lamp.

JD: That's superb. As far as B1G teams are concerned you've so far met up with Indiana and Purdue in week 4, and Michigan in week 5. We can't say anything yet about how Michigan fared after facing you, but we do know you had much different effects on Indiana and Purdue. Indiana came out flat and, well, Indiana-ish against Northwestern then played much better in the second half while still losing after facing you, while Purdue came out gangbusters against Marshall but had to hang on to win the game the week after facing you. What does it all mean, Bye Week?

BW: Honestly, it means nothing. You know? Really, what DOES it all mean? Why are we here?

JD: I thought we were here to talk about the Gophers facing you this weekend.

BW: I mean the existential "why are we here?" Not the literal. What do you think, what does it all mean?

JD: Well, I think it means that Indiana is a poor football team and that Purdue... actually, that's a great question. Does Purdue really exist? A lot of people think it's a fictional school.

BW: Of course it's a real school. I just met up with them last week. They're wonderful. They mumble a lot. Something about almost beating Notre Dame and respect and always something about boiling this thing or another... pretty strange to tell you the truth.

JD: Yeah, but you're the Bye Week. You're not even a real opponent. So something called "Purdue" faced the "Bye Week." Who cares?

BW: First of all, that hurts. Second, are we still talking about football?

JD: Were we ever?

BW: Touch`e.

JD: More like DOUCH'E. Okay, anyway. What do you expect to encounter with the Gophers this week?

BW: With as much trouble as the Gophers have had selling tickets I certainly do NOT expect to encounter a sellout at The Bank... HAHAHA... AMIRIGHT!?!?!?!... HAHAHA

JD: [sound of crickets]

BW: Tough crowd.

JD: Get bent.

BW: Anyway. Um, what do I expect to encounter? Well, I expect healing. Facing me can really be a healing process and after the back-alley violation that the Hawkeyes put on the Gophers last weekend, the Gophers could use some emotional time. I mean, something like that hurts emotionally. Maybe not as bad as the back-alley violation, but it hurts. So I expect the Gophers to get their heads right. Nothing wrong with a little kumbayah, a little candle burning, some cleansing, maybe a sweat lodge or something to get the bad spirits out.

JD: You've never met Jerry Kill have you?

BW: I'm a pacifist.

JD: You're an idiot.

BW: Is the name calling necessary?

JD: [eyes rolling] Before the season when looking at the schedule, most Gopher fans were irritated that you were coming to town so early in the year. But after the disappointment in Iowa City last week, where the Gophers looked like a completely different team than they had the first 4 weeks of the season, even failing miserably at the things that they had excelled at against previous opponents, most of us are sort of glad to see you. What are some of the advantages of facing you early in the season?

BW: You know, that's really nice of you to say. Most college football fans don't care to see me at all. And they ignore me completely. And I know I talked a little bit about the hurt earlier, but it really does hurt to be ignored. Back in the 90's...


BW: You should really see someone about that.

JD: About what?

BW: Your rage.

JD: This isn't hard. I want you to tell me about some of the advantages a football team gets from facing you early in the season.

BW: And that's the other thing that bothers me. It's always about football with you people. What does facing me mean to your team? Is it a good time to face me? What about me? What about my feelings? Is it a good time for me to face the Gophers? Fall, particularly late fall, is a busy time for me. What does it mean for me? Did that ever occur to you?

JD: You don't do a lot of interviews do you?

BW: No. This is my first. And thank you by the way. I'm really enjoying the process.

JD: Oh, you're enjoying this?

BW: Yes, I am. Thank you for asking. It's been rather cathartic for me. How about you?

JD: Have you ever been kicked in the twig & berries?

BW: Twig & berries?

JD: Yeah, the wedding tackle? The Menards? The bollocks? The coin purse? Nads? Balls? Nuts?

BW: I'm not sure I understand.

JD: It's painful. That's how this has been for me. Painful.

BW: Well, perhaps you could prepare me a bit better next time, so that...

JD: There won't be a next time. I'm going back to ignoring you like everyone else who faces you does. I'm going back to hoping you leave more quickly than you came. Do you know that on college football schedules they don't even include you anymore? The week that teams face you, they just skip it altogether. They used to at least write "bye" in for that week, now they just pretend like it's not happening, like the team isn't even facing you. They skip right over it.

BW: If you're trying to hurt me your doing a great job.

JD: Go away.