Bob Barker Helps Us Pick A Bowl Game

With multiple bowls to choose from, it is easy to get confused about what bowl we want to go to. So I thought it made sense to enlist an outside expert to help. I pondered contacting one of the many talking heads and columnists in the college football universe. But ultimately, I decided that we needed to be more scientific about the whole thing. So I turned to notable Golden Gophers fan* and king of offering people the chance to pick between stuff, Bob Barker.

*Not a factual statement in any way. Unless he is a Gophers fan. I have no idea.

Bob was kind enough to tape a special episode of the Price Is Right to help us out. Here's a transcript of the The Showcase from that episode:

Rod Roddy: And now here's BOB BARKER, with our Showcase!

Bob Barker: Thank you Rod! The top winner in our Showcase today is Goldy Gopher!

Goldy Gopher: /JUMPS EXCITEDLY

"Our runner-up, who has dreamed of being on this stage for years, is Tim Rooster."

Tim Rooster: It's TREMENDOUS to be here Bob! My chili is hot and I'm super excited to bring home a Showcase to the Rooster Nation!

That's...wonderful? Moving on...each of you has a showcase of beautiful bowls to bid on, and the one of you who bids closer to the projected attendance of your own bowl or bowls without going over will win it. But, if you are the winner, and are 250 fans or less from the projected attendance of your own bowl game, we will give you ALL the bowls!

Now Goldy, as the top winner from the Showcase Showdown, you may bid on the first Bowl Showcase or you may pass it to Tim and wait to bid on the second Showcase. Are you both ready?

/nods head

Where's my playmakers?

Hmmm...yes...Goldy, Tim, take a look at the first bowl game!

This Showcase is about all things Texas. To start, lets check out this BRAND NEW CAR...part bowl.

That's right, you and a guest will fly round trip coach from Minneapolis to world famous Houston, Texas for an all inclusive stay at the downtown Westin Galleria Hotel! Staffed by friendly and attentive staff who wish Texas was its own country, and within a short cow ride from all of Houston's best restaurants and nightlife, the Westin Galleria is the premier downtown Houston destination. You'll also get sideline passes to the Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas, where you'll potentially watch the Minnesota Gophers take on the 6th best Big 12 bowl team, or whatever Big 12 team the bowl organizers think will sell more tickets, in cavernous and soulless Reliant Stadium! Hear your voice echo and marvel at how pretty all the empty seats are as you ask yourself why they are trying to play on real grass on this indoor field.

/STILL GLARING THAT THE NEW CAR PART THING WAS A FAKE OUT

/SPRAWLED OUT ON STUDIO FLOOR, ALSO UPSET ABOUT THE NEW CAR FAKEOUT

Next we go deep into the heart of Texas, with THE HEART OF DALLAS BOWL!

You and a guest will fly round trip coach from Minneapolis to mysterious Dallas, Texas for an all inclusive stay at the Dallas Marriott City Center! Located in the heart of downtown, the Dallas Marriott City Center is the height of Texan luxury. Have a cow branded, slaughtered, cooked, and served in front of you all at the same time! As part of this package, you'll also receive a 50 yard line seats to the Heart of Dallas Bowl. This will give you the opportunity to experience all the charm of the outdated Cotton Bowl, including the long bathroom lines and subpar concession options, as well as a potential matchup between the Minnesota Gophers and the 8th best Big 12 bowl team! Or maybe a different Big 12 team. Or even a C-USA team if the Big 12 can't fill all their bowl slots.

All of this can be yours, if you remember that you shouldn't mess with Texas!

Goldy, do you wish to bid or pass?

/SPINS HEAD

I'm going to assume that means you pass. Ok Tim, what attendance do you project across both bowls?

You wanna get some you better bring some right?

/blank stare

500,000 fans

/FACEPALM. Ok then. Goldy, lets take a look at your Showcase!

Goldy, your Showcase is all about the sauce...as in any of the 16 signature sauces found at the BUFFALO WILD WINGS BOWL!

/sticks tongue out because he's pissed the showcase wasn't a new pimped out Segway

You and a guest will fly round trip coach from Minneapolis to the life of the party, Tempe, Arizona! Enjoy and all inclusive stay at the trendy Aloft Tempe. Forget about the cold northern weather and enjoy all of the visual delights that Arizona State has to offer. Wake up in a gutter reeking of tequila and stumble over to Sun Devil Stadium, where you'll have seats by all of the sport coat wearing bowl tools. Marvel at the cool graphics on the tarps used to cover up large portions of the empty upper deck! Remember all the great Gopher experiences in this same stadium, like the New Year's Eve Meltdown or The Fumble against Iowa State! And enjoy a potential matchup between the Minnesota Gophers and the 4th best Big 12 bowl team or whatever team will send the most fans to debase themselves in Tempe's bro-tastic nightclubs.

Goldy, all this can be yours if the price is right!

Goldy, what attendance do you project?

/holds up 1 finger

Really? 1 fan? Usually folks save this strategy for the pricing games.

/threatens Bob with a broom

One fan it is.

Commercial break filled entirely with ads for RoTel, Barbasol, and Washburn-McReavy Funeral Homes

Very well...Goldy, you projected a paid Gopher attendance of 1 fan. Actual projected attendance of your bowl is 31,252, a difference of 31,251 fans.

Tim, your projection was 500,000 fans across both bowls. Actual projected attendance of your bowls is 63,495. I'm sorry Tim but you went over.

That means our winner is Goldy Gopher!

/SPINS HEAD

/CLAPS LOUDLY

/SWEEPS TIM ROOSTER OFF THE STAGE TO THE BATTLE HYMN

Folks, thanks again for inviting me into your interwebs. And remember, help control the pet population and please make sure that all Hawkeye or Badger fans are spayed or neutered. Goodbye!