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Iowa Hawkeyes @ Minnesota Gopher Basketball - The FREE FLOYD Preview

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You want stats and actual analysis of the hooptyball matchup? You've come to the wrong place friend.

Elliot Mann

In my Q&A with Black Heart Gold Pants I admitted a painful truth...that I don't hate Iowa Basketball the way I hate Iowa Football. As I said then, I do HATE Iowa. But during basketball season it always feels more forced. This saddened me, so I decided it was time to create a HATE PREVIEW to get myself in the proper spirit.

Before we get started, here is a nice Facebook Cover Photo for you all to use for your everyday Iowa HATE needs:

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THE BASICS

When and Where:

Sunday 2/3 @ 12pm, The Barn (aka: an arena far superior to Carver-Hawkeye)

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Media

TV: BTN

Radio: ESPN1500 and the Gopher Radio Network (Radio Affiliates). You can also listen to the game via the IHeartRadio app for your mobile device.

Weather Forecast:

It's hooptyball.

THE ENEMY

Head Coach: Fran McCaffery (3rd season). Known for using chairs as proxies for referees during his violent fits of rage.


Skills: Faces of Disgust (+22) and CHAIR SMASH (+1000)

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Weaknesses: Amish made chairs. The love and effort that goes into the craftsmanship of each one counteracts his furniture related hatred. This is why Fran fears the Amana Colonies and has a provision in his contract which decrees that no basketball player from that area may ever be a part of his program.

Key Players: Aaron White - Forward

Skills: Ginger (+666)

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Weaknesses: People with souls, direct sunlight, unable to be a pirate (despite multiple attempts).

Things to HATE about Iowa:

- Everything. Even the people who come up with airport codes know that Iowa is a horrible place (the code for Sioux City's airport = SUX).

- The smell. Oh god almighty the smell.

- The lack of distinct or enjoyable geographical features.

- Their Floyd thievery. #FREEFLOYD

- Their shoddy treatment of said beloved pig.

- The way they cheated via the NCAA wrestling rulebook to defeat the Gophers in wrestling even though they tied.

- They gave Captain Curt a insane contract buyout that could hamstring their program for years. Oh wait, I like that.

- This is the state that birthed Pantherhawk. That is all.

- Their basketball arena looks like it was built using an Erector Set.

- Slipknot.

- Their land killed Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, and Richie Vallen.

Completely Worthless Predictions:

Iowa fans will not find the Williams Arena bathroom facilities to their liking, Minnesota will win, and Iowa will continue to smell of pig feces and unfulfilled dreams.

***A hat-tip to @elliotmann for letting me MS Paint one of his fine t-shirts for the photo lede.