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Yea, that's how the gnomes are going to play it this week. You've been warned. Also, before we start I wanted to relay some sad news. There will be no WIN! FIGHT! TRY! award winner this week. The gnomes felt it was inappropriate to give it to Indiana given the fact that their defense wasn't really trying. I mean, NO PUNTS for Navy? NONE? Go home Indiana's defense, you're terrible.
Illinois: 2-0
WTF is going on here you guys? The gnomes have gone into full disaster preparedness mode in the wake of Illinois' completely unexpected butt-whooping of Cincy. Goldy hat gnome let me know that he's of the opinion that the end times are drawing near and that Bill Cubit's offense is clearly a tool of the devil. The Champaign Room feels differently:
A combination of fantastic play calling by offensive guru Bill Cubit, Cincinnati continually taking aim at their own feet via penalties, and some questionable decisions by the referees/gifts from the football gods resulted in this week's win. The Illini jumped out to a 21-7 lead at the half, but as seems to be tradition, came out flat in the second half almost letting the Bearcats back in the game. Note the almost. On a ridiculously long drive, Tommy Tuberville elected to go for it on 4th and goal instead of taking the safe three from a field goal. The field goal would have made it an 8 point game. Munchie Legaux scrambled and appeared to get the touchdown. But then the booth reviewed it, noticed he fumbled the ball into the end zone and the Illini went on to drive 99 yards for their own touchdown, essentially putting the game fully out of reach.
Seriously. End times. For being the harbingers of the coming apocalypse, the gnomes would like to award Illinois the Doomsday Preppers award.
Not only are the complimentary gas masks stylish, they'll serve to protect Illini fans on any trips they may take into Iowa.
Up next? Illinois takes on the Washington Huskies at Soldier Field in a sad attempt to make themselves the kings of Chicago. 5pm on BTN.
Indiana: 1-1
The gnomes have a sneaking suspicion that Basher's thoughts from the above video are a pretty accurate representation of how Hoosier fans feel about this game. A quick check of The Crimson Quarry suggests they aren't wrong:
Pretty much the worst that could have happen, happened on Saturday night. An amped crowd showed up ready for a show. Everyone was enthused and looking forward to the prospects of the season and then the Hoosiers did what they do every time they get some cultural momentum. They crap the bed. Seriously, it's going to take a year to earn back what was lost in a single night. Coach Wilson wants to know why the culture around Indiana football is pretty terrible? This is it. We all buy in, start to believe and then are mocked mercilessly by the rest of the world when this night inevitably occurs.
I mean, the gnomes don't want to be too hard on Indiana. After all, who could have predicted that Navy would run the triple option? That never happ...
For playing like dogs on defense, the gnomes would like to award the We Named The Dog Indiana award to the Hoosiers.
I'm sure the elder Dr. Jones would be very disappointed in you Junior.
Up next? Bowling Green travels to Bloomington where Jobu only knows which Indiana team will be waiting. 7pm on BTN.
Iowa: 1-1
Iowa beat that thing called Missouri State. It was much closer than Hawkeye fans would like. The gnomes would like to offer Kirk a hearty (and sarcastic) thumbs up for this accomplishment.
I think the guys at Black Heart Gold Pants were hoping for a different end to the program's losing streak:
So that happened. Iowa won a football game again, its first since knocking off Michigan State last October. That's good. Losing an 8th-straight game, especially to a team as limited as Missouri State, would have been absolutely disastrous. And that didn't happen. We are certainly happy that Iowa won again.
But... that was not an especially convincing win, particularly against a team picked to finish 8th in the Missouri Valley Conference. (#MoValleyMoProblems) Iowa led just 7-0 in the first half and it was a one-score game (21-14 Iowa) early in the fourth quarter after Jake Rudock threw a pick-six.
Up next? The Hawks travel to Iowa State, where Kirk was won only twice. Yes, you read that correctly. 5pm on FS1.
Michigan: 2-0
The only game of the year that you'd catch the gnomes cheering for Michigan. Thankfully, they did the right thing and sent those filthy papists from South Bend home with a loss. Also thankfully, they managed to add in a fantastic DERP for us all to shake our heads at:
"He should have taken the safety." Um, ya think?
Maize N Brew still had plenty of positives to look at though:
For the first time since 2007, the Wolverines scored first against the Fighting Irish and held onto the lead for 60 minutes. Michigan jumped out to a 10-0 lead and then went into the half up 27-13, a significant narrative departure from the theatrics of previous victories (2009-11).
Unlike 2011, Michigan didn't require a tidal wave of good Fortune with a capital F; talent, a plan and execution were enough. This Michigan team has its flaws, but you really only need to watch the two UTL games to see how much things have changed since Brady Hoke's second game as Michigan's head coach.
Up next? Akron Zips into Ann Arbor to serve as a MACrifice. 11am on BTN.
Michigan State: 2-0
The Spartans only scored 7 offensive points against USF. Something called McNeese State hung 53 on them the week before. Yikes. I don't think anyone could be less happy about starting out 2-0 than the Spartan gnomes and The Only Colors:
Never has a 2-0 start been so discouraging. I don't think there's anyone who belives MSU has a shot at Notre Dame. Right now, bowl eligibility is the focus. That's how dreadful this start is.
Good job, good effort I guess? Maybe try repeating that with the gnomes until you feel better.
Up next? South Florida heads to East Lansing. South Florida lost badly to McNeese State. MSU had better win. 11am on ESPNU.
Nebraska: 2-0
56-13. That's more like it. The snark will skip by you for the week. Corn Nation, your thoughts?
This week Nebraska came out swinging, with the much-aligned defense getting two interceptions for touchdowns in the first quarter. Stanley Jean-Baptiste stepped in front of Ricky Bradley Jr and ended up with a 43-yard TD return on the third play of the game. After Nebraska's first offensive resulted in a three-and-out, Ciante Evans picked off a balled tipped by Southern Missin running back Tyre-oune Holmes and returned it 22 yards to the end zone.The tone was set, the route was on.
Nebraska lead 21-3 after the first half, and 35-6 by halftime.
Up next? UCLA goes to Lincoln to play a 9am PST game. For their sake, I hope the football Bruins display more self-awareness then some UCLA backers have shown in mocking USC. 11am on ABC.
Northwestern: 2-0
A 2nd BCS level opponent leads to a 2nd win. That means no snark for this NU either. Sippin' On Purple, the floor is yours:
NU just dominated. Dominated! The Wildcats scored the first 20 points of the game, covering the spread really quickly. They shut down anything Syracuse did through the passing game, recording somewhere between 40 and 132 interceptions. They passed the ball phenomenally well, something like 400-plus yards passing with under five incompletions combined between Kain Colter and Trevor Siemian. Tony Jones had damn near 200 yards receiving. And they did this all without Treyvon Green!
Even the tarp was fine! Northwestern had its largest home opener attendance in a long time!
We came into this year excited about Northwestern. We are now even more excited about Northwestern. I don't know how that happened, and I am perfectly fine with it.
What's that gnomes? Glopknar created another crazy video to celebrate the victory? RUN IT!
Up next? Western Michigan is this week's MACrifice. 8pm on BTN.
Ohio State: 2-0
The gnomes can't get a read on OSU yet. They didn't dominate Buffalo like they should, but they played better against SDSU. Plus they had to work without Braxton Miller for much of the game against SDSU. The result of this confusion is a Wait and See award for Ohio State.
Let's see if Land Grant Holy Land can clear things up:
There is an old adage in football that states "two quarterbacks equal no quarterbacks," and although that holds true for most teams, it does not hold true for the Ohio State Buckeyes.
Heisman hopeful Braxton Miller left the game on a big hit at the end of a fourth down scramble during the Buckeyes first possession of the game. The hit knocked off Miller's helmet and left him laying on the field, holding both his head and his knee. For most teams, if the starting quarterback is forced to leave the game, the team falters. But as we have seen in the past, when team captain and back-up quarterback Kenny Guiton has had to replace Miller, the offense does not miss a beat. Guiton ran the offense to perfection, tallying 445 yards of total offense in a 42-7 victory, adding some much needed style points.
Up next? tOSU travels to Berkley to take on the Fighting Hippie Bears. 6pm CST on FOX. And yes, I know put this in last week's WTBD? by mistake.
Penn State: 2-0
Eastern Michigan is bad. Penn State didn't lose to them. The gnomes have no snark. What do you have for us Black Shoe Diaries?
Last week, Eastern Michigan opened their 2013 season with a come from behind victory over FCS Howard, in front of 7,000 fans. This Saturday, they were MACrificed in front of 92,000 by Penn State, to the tune of 45-7. As the clock wound towards zero in the fourth quarter, the Nittany Lions kept it on the ground while most of the two-deep clapped from the sidelines in ball caps.
BOB can't be thrilled with the result, however. For most of three quarters, the EMU Eagles made it a contest.
And yes, the gnomes know that this game is calling out for snark but they can't make themselves care about it. This is the best they've got and it isn't even about Penn State:
Moving on.
Up next? UCF comes to Happy Valley. 5pm on BTN.
Purdue: 1-1
Purdue, you are truly the worst team in the Big Ten. Congratulations, here's your gold watch commemorating what I'm sure will be a "wonderful" season. Note the details like the fake gold plating that will stain your arm and the meticulous craftsmanship of the train crash imagery. Some might say you're getting this too early, but the gnomes are feeling generous.
Oh yea, all this is coming after a Purdue win. That'll happen when you give Indiana State to win at the end of the game. Hammer and Rails is prepping for the worst:
Facing an FCS team, where Purdue has always been dominant regardless of circumstances, we expected better today.Instead, we are now likely in for a long season.
Just about the only positive you can take from today is that it was a win. With FCS teams knocking off FBS foes all over the place, Purdue at least avoided the ignominy of losing to their FCS opponent unlike Kansas State, Oregon State, South Florida, Connecticut, and others. There wasn't much else that was good.
I said before the game that we should be greatly concerned if something wasn't working on offense. Well, consider us greatly concerned.
Up next? Purdue is hosting Notre Dame on national TV. There should be a "may be upsetting to some viewers" warning after every commercial break. 7pm on ABC.
Wisconsin: 2-0
Another cupcake, another dominating performance on the ground. I know Wisconsin hasn't played anyone, but the gnomes are not tempting fate by mocking an offense that has produced three 100 yard rushers for 2 consecutive games. They'll just turn it over to Bucky's 5th Quarter instead:
The shutout also marked the second consecutive week Wisconsin's defense posted a shutout, a feat that hadn't occurred in program history since 1958.
Up next? Wisconsin heads to the desert to face Arizona State. This is a game worth watching for its snark potential and because...well...scenery. 9:30 pm on ESPN.