Big Ten Football: What's the B1G Deal - Facepalms, Cupcakes, and Butt-Whoopings

Michigan, you have the gnomes' permission to keep this stuff up next weekend.

By GoAUpher@GoAUpher Sep 26, 2013, 1:00pm CDT

The quick recap of last week? Some of the teams kicked ass, some of them laid an egg, some of them escaped with a shred of dignity, and some of them were on a bye. And Kirk said "cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching" all the way home.

Illinois: 2-1

Had a bye week. Nothing notable happened to Illinois, which is a good thing. The Champaign Room used the break to take a look at whether Illinois will go bowling this season:

They already have two wins, which at the beginning of the season I thought was the ceiling for the non-conference schedule. They still have a game to play against Miami of Ohio, which means the Illini could very well have three wins going into Big Ten play. That leaves the Illini in need of three Big Ten wins to reach a goal that I didn't think was possible.

It now is.

Which seriously...I mean...

What did the predictable world we knew and loved go?

Up next? Miami of Ohio comes to Champbana. 11am on BTN.

Indiana: 2-2

Indiana is who we thought they were, a team with an incredibly suspect defense. In any other season I might feel bad for them. But not this season, when we'll likely need a win over IU to make a bowl game. The Crimson Quarry almost didn't have anything to say (if you don't have something nice to say...):

Saturday night's debacle is all on the offense. You heard that right, it's the offense's fault that Missouri was able to do what they did on Saturday. The defense pretty well did exactly what you would ask of them. They generated 6 stops in the first three quarters when the game was still in question. The offense in the mean time did squat to help the cause. Some of that is on Kevin Wilson and the coaches. Some of it was on a pretty poor performance by Nate Sudfeld and not much better by Tre Roberson and a good chunk of it was on the injury riddled offensive line. Either way, it was bad.

Normally I'd be inclined to lay more blame on the D given the fact that they let up a Memorial Stadium record for opponent offensive yardage against Mizzou. But having not seen the entire game, perhaps TCQ is right and the D was in bend but don't break mode for much of the first 3/4 of the game.

The gnomes have no such qualms, and they award Indiana's defense the "HIDE YOUR HEADS IN THE SAND IN SHAME BECAUSE YOU LET UP SO MANY YARDS THAT THE WORLD YOU KNOW IS NOW ENGULFED IN FLAMES" award (also know as the Pyro Ostrich award).

Up next? Penn State comes to town. Sorry Indiana. 11am on BTN.

Iowa: 3-1

What can one say about a 59-3 shellacking of Western Michigan that included matching sets of both INT and punt return TD's?

Yea, that's about right. Black Heart Gold Pants enjoyed the carnage:

In case, you've been living under a rock for the last 48 hours, you know that Iowa beat Western Michigan on Saturday, although saying that they "beat" the Broncos sounds woefully inadequate when the final score was 59-3 and even that score doesn't fully capture just how lopsided the game was. They sunk PJ Fleck's battleship. Iowa dominated the game from the opening kickoff and put together probably their most complete performance since... oh, I'd say at least the 2010 Michigan State mollywhopping. That win was more satisfying since that team from the Mitten State was actually, well, good, but hey. I'm not going to spend any more time besmirching a 56-point victory.

The gnomes have a simple response:

So moving on...

What's that Action Gnome?

Fair enough. Obvious HATE LIST activated:

Up next? If you aren't sure of the answer to this and need me to type it out, then I'm going to have to ask you to pack up your online belongings and get the fudge out. 2:30pm on ABC/ESPN2

Michigan: 4-0

YOU. PLAYED. UCONN. You barely beat UConn. UConn is a team who lost to Towson. /giggles

Congrats Michigan. The gnomes have declared that your recent performances are the B1G equivalent of Hans Moelman getting hit in the groin by a football. In this comparison, Homer represents all the non-Michigan fans and everyone else represents individuals who support the Maize and Blue (it's odd how similar their non-raucous behavior is to the real thing).

Everyone, please keep Maize N Brew in your thoughts.

This was every bit as ugly as the Akron game, and even more disheartening as it seems to confirm that last week wasn't just a hangover.
This team has serious issues. Few teams have ever needed a bye week as badly as Michigan needs the one it has coming up next week. After that, Minnesota awaits

The gnomes think you need some kittens Michigan fans...

Up next? BYE

Michigan State: 3-1

I hope the stores of East Lansing have stocked up on tinfoil, because Jobu only knows what conspiracy theories are being concocted by the less stable members of the MSU fanbase to explain the rash of pass interference calls the Spartans got hit with in their loss to Notre Dame. Thankfully, The Only Colors is more reserved:

It was MSU's first game against a legitimate opponent and a chance to get a gauge on this team. The results were what we expected. The defense is as good as advertised, while the offense is equally as bad. But the questions about the offense have moved from the players to the coaches.

MSU nearly won a game we had expected to be a loss for months, but it's the way they lost that was so discouraging heading into a bye week.

The gnomes would like to take this opportunity to speak with MSU's pass defense...

Up next? BYE

Nebraska: 3-1

Happy face = Nebby fans thinking about their offense.

Sad face = Nebby fans thinking about their defense.

Thankfully for the folks in the Lincoln community whose ears cannot handle foul language, the Huskers won their game against South Dakota State with relative ease. Corn Nation still sees plenty to be concerned about though:

Behind the combined performance of Tommy Armstrong Jr and Ron Kellogg III at Quarterback, Nebraska got through a 17 point, 200 yard first quarter effort by South Dakota State as the Huskers used 600 yards of offense to beat the Jackrabbits 59-20 in front of 90,614 patrons at Memorial Stadium on Saturday afternoon.

WHAT? But what about all the fans who paid good money to watch TMart arm punt? WHO IS THINKING ABOUT THEM?

Nebraska started slow after a tumultuous, distraction filled week after the UCLA loss last week. Even though the Jackrabbits put up only 20 points, they did total up 465 yards of total offense, which made Head Coach Bo Pelini stress in the early parts of the postgame press conference.

The Huskers enjoy a bye week next Saturday before Illinois comes to town to kick off the Big 10 slate at Memorial Stadium on October 5th.

I say Blackshirts, you say:

Up next? BYE. Ok, seriously now...how many of these are there this upcoming week anyhow?

Northwestern: 4-0

This one was ugly. Let's get right to Sippin' On Purple's recap:

Northwestern once again won a game by two scores, 35-21 over Maine.
Of course, this is disappointing, because it was against Maine, an FCS team. Northwestern was outgained. That is bad. Northwestern actually scored as many offensive points as mMaine, but won because they had a pair of pick-sixes.

The gnomes are rooting for you Northwestern, so knock it off! The gnomes can't recall if they've given out a WIN! FIGHT! TRY! award to a victorious team before and frankly they don't care whether this breaks precident or not. A derpy Brewster of a performance gets a derpy Brewster of an award.

Up next? Wait for it...............BYE.

Ohio State: 4-0

The Buckeyes defeated Florida A&M, 76-0 (and be honest, did you even know they have a FB program). A win like that has got to make a team hungry. So the gnomes chipped in and sent Urban and the boys a care package:

The gnomes figured that OSU had to be out of cupcake mix after conjuring up a Florida A&M out of thin air to fill the 4th spot on their non-con schedule. That's soft fluffy goodness defined if I've ever seen it. Land Grant Holy Land sums it up thusly:

While Florida A&M had no chance of winning the game, they let it get out of hand early.

I would say so. You know what agrees? The GIFs:

Up next? Wisconsin comes to town. In other news, we are all Ohio State fans. 7pm on ABC.

Penn State: 3-1

Beat Kent State. Their QB1 played like a frosh. I'm just glad the non-con crap MAC teams are almost done with. Black Shoe Diaries hopes this calms things down in PSU world following the UCF loss.

Is everyone down off their ledges? Are the pitchforks and torches put away? How about those tip jars, the ones that read "FIUR BUTLER? Are they back in storage? Okay, then. Because this was, for the most part, the response we needed to see from the team (especially the defense) after last week’s loss to UCF.

Up next? Traveling to Bloomington to face Indiana. Let's just say I'm not betting on Indiana. 11am on BTN.

Purdue: 1-3

UW defeated a team that played defense like it really didn't exist, 41-10. I think Montee Ball is still running. Hammer and Rails is dealing with the fact that this season isn't turning out well.

By now you likely know the grisly details. Wisconsin rushed for 388 yards, had two running backs that were well over 100 yards rushing, and the Badgers once again cruised to an easy win over our Boilermakers. I mentioned in the preview three times that stopping the run was essential, but Purdue did not, so the result was as expected. Strangely, 388 yards given up on the ground is actually an improvement.

In last year's 38-14 win for Wisconsin in West Lafayette the Badgers rushed for 467 yards. In the 62-17 win in Madison two years ago Wisconsin ran for 264, but had 605 yards of total offense. Today they only had 546 yards of total offense, which is improvement for Purdue because we held them under 600 total yards, so huzzah!

Repeat after me: "WE'RE GONNA KEEP THE BUCKET!"

Up next? Northern Illinois comes to Ross-Aide. 11am on BTN.

Wisconsin: 3-1

In news that is sure to shock you, Wisconsin ran for sizeable chunk of yards against Purdue. What say you Bucky's 5th Quarter?

Despite the Boilermakers making it interesting with a pair of scores in the second quarter, the game seemed over from the start, as UW was simply overwhelming in the trenches and with the big-play capability of Gordon and White.

The gnomes think you should knock it off. You need a fresh angle to keep the public excited. Maybe 90% passing? Yea, that's the ticket!

Up next? The non-HATE WEEK top matchup in the B1G at Ohio State. Winner probably wins the Leaders East Division. 7pm on ABC.