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Freedom Trophy: Wisconsin and Nebraska To Play For Terrible Gift Shop Chatchski

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Why Minnesota Doesn't Need Any More Trophies, MY COLUMN

By GoAUpher
/ new

This is a thing that is coming to a "rivalry" game near you:

Stop forcing it Big Ten foes. Every time this conference forces a rivalry with a trophy the result is either laughable or so bland that you have to wonder how many focus groups were involved. Unsure what I'm talking about? Let's recap:

Land Grant Trophy:

Pew Pew Pew!

Governor's Victory Bell

If you made this in shop class you'd get a B- at best. It's a piece of generic, shoddily made slop.

Heartland Trophy

Shameless attempt to create a variation of Floyd, without any of the interesting live animal history. Also, I'm pretty sure this breaks some sort of spidery religious rule.

Children Of The Corn

Norman Rockwell wants to troll whoever did this.

Heroes Trophy

In case you were wondering, you play football to win this. Also, something about HyVee heroically stopping the Nazi's at Pearl Harbor.

Freedom Trophy

If you lose this trophy then you're the reason the evil Eastern European villians from every poorly written action movie ever will win. Alternate joke: "You may take our pride and self respect by making us play for this piece of junk, but you'll never take OUR FREEDOM!"

After the Corn Trophy incident, the marketing wizards in charge of these monstrosities wised up. Not sure what I mean? The last two are named in such a way that silly people can say you hate Heroes and Freedom if you don't like the trophy. That alone is your sign that whoever is behind this mess sucks at life. The creation of this last bronzed turd also means that Minnesota-Nebraska is the only game in the Quadrangle of Hate (the matchups between MN, WI, IA, and NE) without a trophy. This leads to things like:

We already have one trophy that means nothing to anyone that no one cares about. It's called the Bell and we pretend it doesn't exist. That's what these trophies are, better constructed Victory Bells. Minnesota does not want another Bell. Minnesota does not need another Bell.

I now have a new minion who would like to say hi. He is the #TROPHYGAZE minion

That is his response to the idea of new "rivalry" trophies. These trophies are bad ideas. They make a mockery of good trophies like the Pig, Axe, Jug, Bucket, Paul Bunyan and the like. They are a scourge in our midst, a virus that is spreading so that Jim Delany has another rivalry game to market when the next round of TV contracts are up for bidding. They are pointless, and dumb, and in the case of the Freedom Trophy may celebrate the Freedom to be blind in one eye after celebrating with it:

In honor of the newest trophy (and because I don't feel like continuing to type my own annoyance) I share with you the thoughts of real trophy patriots who see these new "spoils" for the Orwellian mess that they are:

And the mic drop...

You know what? I'm stopping right here. Brian Bennett just had two tweets in a row that I agreed with. When Bennett starts making this much sense then you're on the wrong side of the argument.

It's science.

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