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Big Ten Media Days 2014: Antonio Thompson Goes to Chicago

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I can guarantee that you won't find this transcript anywhere else.

Hannah Foslien

MODERATOR: We're very excited to be joined by Antonio Thompson from the University of Minnesota. While only on the team for a short time we are excited for his perspective. Who has questions for Mr. Thompson?

Q: Can you talk about what distinguishes the defensive backfield this year?

THOMPSON: I'm really excited about our ability to combine together like Megazord. The coaches have worked very hard to make sure that we can execute the full combination pre-snap. As a defense we have to be sharp, especially with the arrival of faster offenses throughout the conference. We call it Goldyzord, but the principle and the bad translation is the same. And yes, if you're wondering, Jay Sawvel is Zordon.

Q: How do you feel about Coach Kill's leadership?

THOMPSON: Coach Kill is a great coach. He's tough, a winner, and a great developer of men. For me personally, I'm grateful that he was willing to give me the chance to compete. You wouldn't see Urban Meyer taking a risk on a player who was a 0 star recruit out of high school on account of not being real.

Q: Antonio, how much would you charge to wash all the windows in Chicago?

THOMPSON: As a student-athlete, I'm not allowed to take another job during the football season and I don't play in the SEC. This, despite bringing in large amounts of value and having my wages artificially constrained by a cartel determined to drive up revenue at the expense of fictional scholarship athletes.

Hypothetically, I'd charge $10 per window.

Q: Antonio, what is the most efficient way to sort 3.8 million 32 bit integers?

Bubble sort would be the wrong way to go because while conceptually simple, it's slow for large datasets. Most computer science textbooks refer to this as the Iowa method.

Q: Antonio, AL DOT COM HERE HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? I JUST WANT TO BITE IT OFF AFTER TWO?

THOMPSON: There is no single answer. The density of a tootsie pop is unlikely to be identical in all tootsie pops.

Q: ROLL TIDE.

THOMPSON: ...

Q: A penguin walks through the door wearing a sombrero. What does he say and why is he here?

THOMPSON: The penguin tells everyone that Jim Delaney said that he needed to corner the markets in Antarctica, and that the University of Antarctica is big in New York City. The penguin will still have a better run athletic department than Rutgers.

ED NOTE: To remove any confusion, Antonio Thompson is not a real player. Tom Dienhart made him up out of thin air (a mistake, we trust) in his much panned preview of the Minnesota secondary. We at TDG have adopted Antonio as our favorite fake Gopher defender because not being real doesn't mean you should be loved less by fans.