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Minnesota Golden Gopher Football: Tom Dienhart Inspires

Antonio Thompson is kidnapped and taken to Tralfamadore: a re-imagining of Slaughterhouse-Five using scorching #HOTTAKE bombs to annihilate Dresden.

By Matt Humbert
Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

Kurt Vonnegut awakens in 2014, re-animated and groggy, with no recollection of his past life but with the same literary skill and purpose. He is compelled, through fate or chance, to write the same semi-autobiographical tale he penned in 1969 as a meta-fictional commentary on the absurdity and horrors of human nature, from his own life's narrative. As he is not in Dresden but the United States, on Twitter where all modern wars now occur, his hallowing literal muse comes not from firebombs exploding over a meat locker in a slaughterhouse but from scorching hot sports takes incinerated by even hotter fission core retributions.

His protagonist? Antonio Thompson, not a replacement for Brock Vereen but the disembodied delusions of Tom Dienhart, a construct made to rationalize the atrocities of what he's witnessed on the Internet. Thompson believes he's been kidnapped by aliens, maybe because he stumbled upon #FSUTwitter or a YouTube comment section once, and takes to their Tralfamadorian concept of all encompassing, non-linear time. Friends of Antonio believe he's going through PTSD when he describes the aliens as spindly, jaundice-toothed sportswriters slumping over their keyboards that may or may not have only one functioning eye (dunno, that may be a metaphor for sight or lack thereof). Everything comes crashing down when Thompson meets his fatalistic end, as the illusion of the omniscient narrator's free-will is exposed as a lie since Antonio was never real in the first place (he's erased from existence with a laser gun - pew pew!).

Through the magic of the Internet, the macabre events that inspired the allusory tale have been captured and recorded, so we may too peer a glimpse into the personal tragedy Vonnegut must have experienced:

Then, the bombs went off:

No doubt a traumatic event for Vonnegut, one can see now - through the eyes of his narrator, Dienhart - why he was forced to mask the visceral pain and absurdity of preseason position rankings Twitter war by completely fabricating events and people, like hookers named Montana, an inexperienced Minnesota secondary and a man named Antonio Thompson playing along side a fellow compatriot, Cedric Thompson. Perhaps "Hold Me Now" was on his iTunes playlist as he witnessed the horror, a subconscious remnant of the awful.

We can see the warped sense of self in Vonnegut, as he casts aside the concept of free-will and his narrator brings us back and forth between present, past and imagined Tralfamadorian time:

12. Minnesota- Safety Kim Royston and corner Kyle Henderson are gone, but there are some building blocks. Brock Vereen and Derrick Wells will be factors at safety. Troy Stoudermire-a former receiver-is back at corner after his 2011 season was ruined by an arm injury after four games. The Gophers welcome three JC defensive back to augment a secondary that needs to make more plays. Corner Martez Shabazz may be the best of the bunch.

6. Minnesota. This has been an underrated unit in recent years. But there is work to do this year with cornerbacks Michael Carter and Troy Stoudermire departed. Standout junior Derrick Wells has shifted from safety to cornerback, his original position. Look for seniors Jeremy Baltazar or Martez Shabazz at the other corner slot. Minnesota was able to move Wells because of depth at safety, with players like senior Brock Vereen, junior Cedric Thompson and sophomore Damarius Travis.

We cannot argue against Vonnegut's depressed, fatalistic view of life in lieu of such events. One does not simply see the sky monitor on fire and depart unscathed.

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