Bracket pools. They vex us and torment us and yet we can't resist their allure. Every year many of us try and fail to come up with a foolproof way to win our bracket pools that no one else has thought of. Some people use KenPom rankings. Others pick based solely on the perceived ferocity of each team's mascot. Others believe in the tried and true "coin flip gambit" to bring them fame and fortune. But for most of us, these feeble attempts at unlocking bracket glory always end in ignominious defeat.
Well have no fear bracket lovers! I'm here to tell you that bracket immortality is within your grasp. If you follow the method I'm about to reveal you won't just win your bracket pool. You'll also stand tall above a majestic canyon basking in the warm glow of victory.
That's right friends, if you listen to me you can become just as successful as legendary bracket pool champion Johnny Drama!
What method could deliver on such a bold promise? What tool could possibly have unlocked the mysteries of March Madness? The answer is simple. SCRABBLE.
The Scrabble Method Explained
The Scrabble Method to Bracket Victory™ is a scientific approach to bracket analysis. The rules are simple:
- Write out each team's name in the format you find to be most correct. This could be mascot name only. The full school name. The full school name plus mascot. The abbreviated school name. Whatever makes the most sense to you.
- Once you've done that, type in the names for each school into a Scrabble Score Calculator (here's the one I use). Record the score for each team.
- Fill out your bracket using the scores. This is basketball, so the highest score between the two teams wins. If for some reason you have a tie, then I recommend using A) the score of just the mascot name or B) the Coin Flip Gambit to select the winner of the game.
- Continue the process until your bracket is complete. Then sit back and await your riches!
- GoAUpher Update: Quick scoring note, for my scoring I did not value "University" as part of the name for any school since it essentially washes out when comparing scores.
What Makes The Scrabble Method So Successful?
One word. NUMBERS. Numbers = Science and Scrabble tiles have a number value assigned to each letter. The numbers are literally RIGHT NEXT TO THE LETTERS! Do you know who put them there? EINSTEIN! The scientific logic of this approach is beyond reproach. Just ask this scientician.
Did you see that lab coat? That man is clearly a genius. Let's recap:
Numbers = Science.
In Scrabble, numbers = letters.
Einstein created Scrabble.
Lab coats don't lie.
The Scrabble Method to Bracket Victory™ is infallible.
What Does My Bracket Look Like?
Still don't believe me? Just take a gander at my soon to be famous bracket.
STEPHEN F****** AUSTIN. Science has proven that there is no mightier NCAA Champion than the Lumberjacks! They will clear cut every team in their path on the way to eternal tournament glory.
So don't wait. Employ the Scrabble Method to Bracket Victory™ and you too can pick the mighty Lumberjacks and secure a Bracket Pool bounty beyond your wildest dreams!
Editor note: *rigorously tested means we made this up as we went. Your results may vary given the fact that this method is a complete joke.