GoAUpher note: This is good satire. It is getting bumped. Also, big props to htenpas for making this his/her very first contribution to TDG, comment or otherwise. Welcome to TDG! We're glad to have ya!
A defiant Jerry Kill eschewed assigning blame for his struggling offense this past Saturday. "We gotta get better," the reigning B1G Coach of the Year said. "And that's on me as a leader. We're gonna try some things this week, some new things."
Fans have been clamoring for offensive changes in what has been a lackluster non-conference performance. One particular critic decided to take matters into his own hands.
"I thought they should've never gotten rid of Mason," said Gopher_Dave6969, even though I simply asked him how he got into the press conference. "And why not give him a look at offensive coordinator? He still lives here for Christ's sake."
Gopher_Dave6969, who told me his real name is Paul (???), has over 2,000 posts on a popular Gopher sports message board, only a third of which he estimates are about how Obama is ruining the country. He explained that between that expertise and the fact that he pays his taxes, he has every right to let coach Kill know his thoughts on the offense.
"If Kill can't see it, I'm happy to tell him how wrong he is. I've seen this team play three games, it doesn't take a genius to figure it out."
It was after the press conference, when everyone was packing up, that Gopher_Dave6969 asked a question that won't soon be forgotten in Dinkytown: "Why not try a frickin' jet sweep?"
A hush fell over the room as reporters, columnists, and rightfully alarmed security looked back at Gopher_Dave6969, still clutching his Grain Belt tall boy like a Gopher fan still clutches those dreams of a Rose Bowl. Coach Kill himself froze as if he'd heard the voice of God.
"Come with me," Kill said after a pause long enough for Gopher_Dave6969 to spill his Grain Belt on his Carhartt jacket. Dave (Paul?) then gave the whole room a look that said both, "I told you so," and, "Yeah, I've had a DUI."
Gopher_Dave6969 followed Coach Kill to his office where the two spent the next 20 minutes discussing what we can only assume was elite football strategy. When he finally came out, every reporter wanted the inside scoop. Gopher_Dave6969, unprompted and actually told not to do so, took the podium.
"Yeah, I pretty much just asked what happened to the jet sweep. Remember the Nebraska game? Play got about 15 yards a pop."
And Kill's response?
"He said he forgot all about it, which I knew he did. Said he should listen to the internet more, where there's real students of the game, even guys like me who never played or coached."
Gopher_Dave6969 then walked off, into the autumn breeze and into Dinkytown lore. Rumor has it he doesn't revel in his new found fame too much, but in a thread titled "Is Limegrover's weight loss actually to blame?" he did have this to say:
"The staff is ruining Jeff Jones. He's gonna transfer and I don't blame him."