The following is satire. That should be obvious.
Wearing a red hat that said, "Make Gopher Basketball Somewhat Relevant Again," Donald Trump offered his interest in the still-occupied position of men's Minnesota Golden Gopher basketball coach Wednesday afternoon, boasting that "Minnesota never wins anymore. Iowa wins. Wisconsin wins."
A day after the Gophers turned in one of the most disappointing basketball losses in recent memory, a 84-59 loss to Nebraska that hasn't really been matched since the Gophers lost to UCLA and Lew freaking Alcindor, Trump broke off from his GOP front-running campaign to lend unsolicited help to a program that seems like it should be deep in the pained recovery of a debilitating scandal rather than the sanction-free third year of coach Richard Pitino's tenure. Seriously, this team lost to Nebraska in a similar manner to how the Gophers lost to UCLA in 1967 and 1968, a team that was in the midst of a historic 47-game winning streak.
Trump's speech took most onlookers by surprise, as a few dozen media members had instead assembled for media access with the successful women's volleyball team.
"I watch the speeches of these people, and they say the sun will rise, the moon will set, all sorts of wonderful things will happen. And people are saying, "What's going on? I just want to beat teams like Nebraska. Just get me a win. I don't need the rhetoric. I want a win against even the worst teams in the Big Ten," Trump said in front of puzzled looks and polite, if confused applause, at the McNamara Alumni Center.
After ripping the current basketball roster, Trump lambasted the state of fundraising, specifically mentioning that he would build a grand practice facility, complete with 14k gold fountain heads and gold lined entryways atop Italian marble floors, calling it "first class Trump." He also claimed that the taxpayers of Minnesota wouldn't be footing the bill.
"I would build a great practice facility, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I'll build them very inexpensively, I will build a great, great facility on our campus's border. And I will have Iowa and Wisconsin pay for it," Trump said. "Some say I single-handedly torpedoed the USFL, so I know what a loser operation looks like. This is a loser operation. The athletic director hasn't even painted a 747 black and put her name in huge letters on it. Seriously, folks. This is bad, OK?
"Land O' Lakes put in 100-foot letters? No. And who is this 'Williams' guy? I've got my name on some of the nicest foreclosed properties and casinos around the world," Trump said.
The Gophers once balked when long-time donor and philanthropist T. Denny Sanford requested a donation for the the new football stadium be linked to naming rights, but it is unclear what type of response will be generated by Trump's standard of placing the most garish lettering of his own name on buildings.
Asked for comment, student season ticket holder Johnny Stout was unsure what impact Trump could have on the team, noting that the Gophers could most benefit from some actual, one-on-one defensive coaching, as the team has stumbled to the bottom of most advanced defensive statistical rankings.
"Does Trump know anything about bumping the flasher?" Stout asked, referring to the absence of any physicality when the Gophers run a zone defense. "Or maybe the pick and roll? Does he know how to tell the guard to pop above the screen and the post player to hedge the remaining space so that the offensive player can't roll unabated to the basket?"
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Puckett Wept posts occasionally at The Daily Gopher. Follow his DadTwitter takes here.