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Big Ten Football Week 7: Recap, Review, and Snark

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POOR RUTGERS.

The gnomes are sorry. They failed you for two weeks in a row. Please forgive them for blogging like Rutgers plays football.

BEST WEEK IN PURDUE HISTORY

Purdue (3-3, 1-2 B1G): Try not to smile too much while you say goodbye to Darrell. That would be mean.

The replacement names are flying already. Les Miles. Bo Pelini. PJ “The Oarsman” Fleck. All of them wong. The gnomes can see only one viable candidate to coach Purdue moving forward:

Joe Tiller’s Mustache must become sentient and lead the Boilermakers to victory!

You are all winners

Illinois (2-4, 1-2 B1G): You beat Rutgers. Yay.

Iowa (5-2, 3-1 B1G): You got Darrell Hazell fired.

Nebraska (6-0, 3-0 B1G): Top 10? The gnomes declare you a fraud Nebraska. That said, your win over Indiana keeps you in the driver’s seat for a B1G West title.

Northwestern (3-3, 2-1 B1G): HOLY COW A NORTHWESTERN GAME HAPPENED AND A TEAM OTHER THAN NORTHWESTERN LOOKED LIKE COMPLETE AND TOTAL CRAP!

Ohio State (6-0, 3-0 B1G): You could have made that easier on the gnomes Ohio State. They didn’t care for the suspense. But you did (finally) beat the Badgers so you’re forgiven.

Almost winners (aka BYE WEEK)

Michigan (6-0, 3-0 B1G): Computers love asshats in khakis.

Penn State (4-2, 2-1 B1G): SHOOTYPUCK THINGS!

So close and yet so derp

Indiana (3-3, 1-2 B1G): The upset was there for the taking, and then you had three defenders run into each other to give up a huge TD pass. You think the gnomes are kidding? They are not. Just watch (jump to 59 sec mark if video starts from beginning):

Keep working for that bowl game Indiana. You might get there.

You lost to us. You made us happy.

Maryland (4-2, 1-2 B1G): It’s almost like Maryland didn’t play anyone to start the year. Good thing they face Michigan State this week. They could use another win.

Agreed. Michigan State sucking is really off-putting.

So much for the biggest week in school sports history

Wisconsin (4-2, 1-2 B1G): Probably shouldn’t have jinxed yourself there B5Q. Minnesota beats the briefly #1 Badger Volleyball team, Corso spurns you all for Brutus, and then Ohio State breaks your hearts in overtime. Then again, women’s hockey did sweep a top ranked Clarkson squad and men’s hockey stole one from BC, so it’s not all bad.

Who are the gnomes kidding? Big Ten refs called holding penalties against you. At home. This was obviously the worst weekend ever.

You disgust us Sparty

Michigan State (2-4, 0-3 B1G): Michigan State started the season ranked #12. Michigan State is not going to a bowl game. Michigan State allowed Northwestern to look like some kind of juggernaut. Michigan State disgusts the gnomes.

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Rutgers (2-5, 0-4 B1G): I mean, going 10 quarters in B1G play without scoring any points isn’t that bad right? Surely it’s not that bad. Especially not when you’re being outscored 194-14 in 4 Big Ten games. All sorts of teams have sucked like that right? RIGHT?

Rutgers is trash.