It’s HATE WEEK again. We all know that HATE WEEK is about the Axe. We know that it’s about the longest running rivalry in all of college football. But what far too many Minnesota fans don’t consider is that it’s also about cranberries. Or rather, the importance of avoiding cranberries at your Thanksgiving dinner. Why? Because eating cranberries at Thanksgiving during HATE WEEK is wrong for 3 key reasons:
1) BETTER DEAD THAN RED
We should all strive to eliminate the color red from our lives during Wisconsin week. Just ask yourself, WWSRD (What Would Steven Richardson Do)?
To the freshman: DO NOT WEAR RED IN THE COMPLEX! You will get leveled if you do. 〽️〽️〽️〽️〽️〽️〽️— Steven Richardson (@mteam_srich) November 21, 2016
(Sorry to the Coca Cola man in advance)
Personally, I think obeying stoplights and stop signs should be option during HATE WEEK but public safety has to trump anti-Badger feelings for the greater good and I can respect that. But cranberries serve no greater good. Don’t serve or eat them at Thanksgiving and you can make sure your HATE WEEK game remains strong.
2) Cranberries are the Bucky of Thanksgiving sides
Look, let’s be honest. Cranberries suck. There are way better sides to enjoy at Thanksgiving than cranberries. When it comes to Turkey Day food, cranberries are the side dish equivalent of a mascot who can’t spin his head. You can easily live without them, which makes living up to point #1 even easier.
3) You will be financially aiding your rival
One could argue avoiding cranberries during HATE WEEK was always warranted, but it is even more important now that we know that an actual Badger has cranberry juice running in his veins (via Jesse Temple, ESPN):
For Rocky Biegel, the father of standout Wisconsin Badgers linebacker Vince Biegel, that means funneling water through pipes and out a series of bulkheads into his 22 sandy, rectangular cranberry beds throughout the day. When water rises, berries float to the top and become easier to corral, clean and ship off to Ocean Spray headquarters in trucks stuffed with 60,000 pounds of cranberries -- the literal fruits of his family's labor.
This is the world into which Vince Biegel was born. Some may know Biegel as the mullet-wearing, sack-getting emotional leader of one of the toughest linebacker units in the country. But there is another side to Biegel, that of a fifth-generation cranberry grower who spent his adolescent years working on the marsh and whose farming background has influenced everything about him. So passionate is he about the business that he even once started a cranberry blog for a college class.
If you serve Wisconsin cranberries at Thanksgiving dinner then Biegel might as well be there carving the turkey. Just say no friends.
I understand that those of you hosting Thanksgiving may be under tremendous pressure to serve cranberries because of “tradition” and whatnot. While I’d urge you to hold true to point #1 on principle or explain yourself via point #2, if you must serve this popcorn skunk side dish make sure you purchase all natural cranberries from Massachusetts, Washington, or Oregon for your feast this Thursday. Not in charge of the food or not sure where the cranberries came from? Abstain and leave yourself more room for pie.
It’s what Goldy would do.