Strolling Through Twitterland: BYE-U vs. Minn (Fiction)

In what is sure to be the worst loss in the 100+ year history of the University of Minnesota Golden Gopher football, the BYE-U Swamp Things defeated the Gophers 92-0 in a game that wasn’t even that close. This stunning upset to a team I made up has left many wondering should football even be played at the U any longer.

The game got off to a horrific start after Mitch Leidner’s surgically repaired foot literally fell off after throwing his ninth interception on his first three pass attempts of the game. The #BlameLeidner faction of the fan base clapped and cheered as Mitch was carried off the field. Most of whom felt a sense of relief knowing Leidner would no longer be the Gophers quarterback. To make this horrific sight even worse, the Gophers trainer forgot to pick Mitch’s foot up off the field and the Swamp Things nose tackle, Swamp Dawg, ate the foot as a sign of his dominance. The sight of this will haunt my dreams for eternity.

As soon as backup quarterback Conor Rhoda ran onto the field and took his place in the huddle, the loudest standing ovation in TCF Bank Stadium history took place. Anticipation built as Rhoda walked to the line to take his place under center. Fans had been waiting for this moment for four years. Their program savior had finally gotten his chance. But the cheers’ quickly turned to boos and shouts of displeasure when Rhoda handed the ball off to Rodney Smith on his first play under center. Twitter exploded with tweets of “bring in Kane, Rhoda’s a bum, he can’t even pass” and the #BlameRhoda hashtag was born. Sadly, on Rhoda’s second play from scrimmage, he broke his clavicle when Swamp Dawg took a bite out of Rhoda’s shoulder. Making Rhoda the third player to break his clavicle this young season.

Head Coach Tracy Claeys had no choice but to turn to his third string QB, former ESU Timberwolves Heisman Trophy candidate, fresh from another stint in rehab, Joe Kane. Once again, the anticipation could be felt as the fan base had patiently waited a grueling 25 seconds for their next program savior to take over. I’ll spare you the details of what transpired after Kane took command of the offense. But Kane forgot to tuck the woman and children in bed to go looking for dinner. As a result he couldn’t handle the pressure of being the “guy”. The Gophers went into halftime down 78-0. It wasn’t pretty friends. It wasn’t pretty.

In an unprecedented move, the entire industry saw coming, Athletic Director Mark Coyle fired Head Coach Tracy Claeys at halftime. But the move no one saw coming, was Coyle promoting recently injured quarterback Mitch Leidner to Interim Head Coach. However, in a plot hole as wide as the Grand Canyon, when the team returned to the field, none of the other coaches returned to the field with their new Head Coach. Leaving Interim Head Coach Mitch Leidner, standing on crutches, all by himself running the team. No one is exactly sure what happened to the rest of the staff, though rumors of BYE-U’s starting middle linebacker, Swampy, having a halftime snack have begun to circulate.

With Kane not being Abel to handle the pressure of playing big-time college football, Interim Head Coach Mitch Leidner was forced to hand the reigns of the offense over to walk-on James Van Der Beek, I mean, Johnny Moxon, the “Mox”, who turned down a full academic scholarship to Brown to walk-on to the Gophers. Air Bud, the 5-Star wide-receiver recruit, having now burned his redshirt in this fiasco and Mox tried to lead a valiant come back. But a rookie coaching mistake by Interim Head Coach Mitch Leidner showed he is a great charades player but horrible at signaling plays in. He choreographed the hook-and-ladder play by using his finger as a hook, then pretending to climb a ladder. Unfortunately for the Gophers, the Swamp Things free safety, Swampish, is a fine charades player as well and it was another pick-6 for the Swamp Things; thus giving a new meaning to #BlameLeidner.

Calls for Leidner to be fired could be immediately heard throughout the stadium and on social media. The small island country #LeidnerIsland quickly pointed out how good Leidner is at charades as well as wanting to know what people expected from him since he was laying on the field without a foot five paragraphs ago. The one thing the fan base could agree on is that Oklahoma State should have paid more attention to the Central Michigan coaching staff to see if they were as good at charades as Interim Head Coach Leidner is instead of yelling at the refs... You really don’t need to know what happened after this in the game. Just know it was ugly and disturbing.

AD Mark Coyle had this to say after the game: “We are deeply troubled by what transpired on the football field today. I don’t want to make any rash judgments but I will be making an informed decision within the next 30 seconds if we will continue to play football here at the University of Minnesota. If you asked me right now, I would say no, we will not be playing football. If this is the direction we decide to go, we will be dropping football in favor of soccer since football will be dead as a sport in ten years anyway. That said, we might not even support soccer, we may just hand the keys to TCF Bank Stadium to Minnesota United FC permanently. I will have our decision for you in 30 seconds after I have time to review the pros and cons”. A spokesperson for MNUFC offered a “no comment at this time” in response to Coyle’s statement.

Needless to say this bombshell left many stunned and shocked. Yet after witnessing this game, many agreed it may be time to drop football all together. Local media outlets scrambled to cover the story unaware the Gophers actually had a football team in the first place. Maybe former U of M President Nils Hasselmos truly was a visionary and his long-time dream of dropping football for soccer at the U may happen after all.

Now onto what really matters, the Stroll Through Twitterland:

The main hashtags for this game were:

Oh, who am I kidding? There aren’t any hashtags because I made this all up.

(Editor’s Note: No Gopher players or animals were hurt in the making of this gibberish.)

(Editor’s Note Part 2: This nonsensical drivel was clearly made up. Tracy Claeys hasn’t been fired, Mitch Leidner’s foot hasn’t fallen off (that I am aware of), the U is not dropping football nor are they permanently handing the keys to The Bank over to MNUFC. So please do not contact the Athletic Department or MNUFC asking questions! This was all made up by a sad and lost soul one bored evening during a bye week. I fully admit we are all now dumber for reading this. Yeah for Bye Week Content.)

(Editor’s Note Part 3: Yes, Willie Beamen should have made an appearance as well. But this was already way, way longer than I intended it to be.)

(Editor’s Note Part 4: Ha ha Iowa.)

(Editor’s Note Part 5: If you made it this far, I’m apologize, but thanks for reading.)

#SkiUMah

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