In an unprecedented move, head football coach Tracy Claeys has announced that the Minnesota Golden Gophers football program will forfeit their remaining games this season in the aftermath of an uninspiring victory over the Oregon State Beavers at home to open the season.
"I can't, in good conscience, allow this football team to take the field again after what happened on Thursday night," said Claeys in front of the few Twin Cities media members not at the airport trying to find hiding spots for the coordinated ambush of Sam Bradford. "There is a reason we schedule Power 5 non-conference opponents to open the season, and it ain't to improve the level of competition. That's for dang sure. It's for blowout wins that will allow us to rest our starters in the second half. We didn't do that, obviously."
Claeys was quick to point out that the Golden Gophers' performance on Thursday night was made worse when compared to their Big Ten brethren. "You don't see defending league champ Michigan State struggling against Furman. You don't see Northwestern losing to Western Michigan. You look around the conference, we're the only team that isn't a finished product in the first week of the season. I can't abide that."
When one media member dared to ask whether the team could improve over the course of the season and correct mistakes like bad snaps, false starts, and muffed punts, Claeys wouldn't hear it. "If that were possible, I doubt our fan base would be throwing in the towel already. What you see is what you get. End of story."
Most were baffled when Claeys opted to go for two when up by a touchdown against the Beavers late in the game, but he was quick to explain where his head was at for that particular decision. "The spread was about 13.5 in our favor, last I checked. We go up by nine at that point, then all we need is a field goal and a safety to beat that spread. It's simple logic. Let's be honest. If you can't beat the spread in your season opener, you might as well flush the rest of the season down the toilet."
Defensive coordinator Jay Sawvel said he agrees with Claeys' decision to forfeit the season, and accepted much of the blame after the defense was gashed on screen passes. "That screen pass, I tell you, I've never seen anything like it in all my years of coaching. I don't know where that came from. There's no stopping it," said Sawvel, still wearing the same clothes from Thursday's game after back-to-back sleepless nights. "I mean, what do you want me to do? Stop blitzing? Coach the players on how to better recognize a screen?" Sawvel had to be sedated when he started talking about "making adjustments."
New offensive coordinator Jay Johnson was not available to the media, but was spotted at the team's practice facility lecturing quarterback Mitch Leidner about his completion percentage. "Throwing an interception is not an incomplete pass when you complete it to the other team," Johnson could be heard saying to his senior quarterback.
It is unclear whether season ticket holders will be refunded for the remaining home games, but new athletic director Mark Coyle has a plan. "Fans deserve better than the product we put on the field Thursday night. So each Saturday this fall, rather than a home football game, I will be performing a one-man rendition of 'Death of a Salesman' on the field at TCF Bank Stadium. I hope fans will come out and watch."
Fans have already taken to Twitter to voice their concerns as to whether or not Coyle is right choice for the lead role in "Death of a Salesman."
This article is satire. If you made it this far and thought otherwise, may God have mercy on your soul. Thanks for reading.