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Quibbler: AD Mark Coyle pursuing Harry Potter as next Gopher head coach

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Also, gnome saliva has healing properties!

Western Michigan head football coach PJ Fleck has supposedly been the leading candidate to take over the same role at the University of Minnesota as a replacement for recently fired Tracy Claeys. Minnesota athletic director Mark Coyle has stayed mum during the proceedings. However, sources close to the situation have obtained travel documentation that shows Coyle boarded a plane for London this afternoon. His cousin, Cadmus Coyle, claims that, “the trip is just for a breath of fresh, foggy London air.” It might appear Mark Coyle just needs some tea and crumpets.

BUT DOES HE?

Deeply secretive sources indicate that Coyle’s trip to London coincides with the recent return home of Auror Harry Potter from his sojourn in Australia, where he was attempting to find evidence of the existence of blibbering humdingers and enjoying the popular wizard desert sauna located in the Outback known as Aquamenta’s.

Doris Crockford of Surrey, who claims to be close friends with Potter, said, “He always displayed an interest in attempting to coach the Muggle sport known as feetball. And I have on good authority that Mr. Potter loves American culture, specifically the delicacy of the upper Midwest they call lutefisk.”

While the AD’s true intentions are currently shrouded in as much mystery as the clutches of a lethifold, the Quibbler has it on good authority that a deal is impending and that final contract negotiations are the only thing from making it official.

“Mr. Potter would like full use of a University-owned Ford Anglia. At least 10,000 galleons a year, and his own personal parking space at TCF Bank Stadium for his Firebolt 10,000,” Crockford said.

MUGGLE MEDIA

Meanwhile, on the Muggles’ Internet, troll sightings have been frequent. It remains unclear if the public has been hit with a Confundus charm, or the trolls actually have accurate information. In these uncertain times, reliable info is tougher to catch than a Crumple-Horned Snorkack, especially now that Dementor Reusse has joined the trolls online.

WILL THIS END SOON?

We can only hope that Coyle is willing to open up his Gringotts vault to bring Mr. Potter to Dinkytown.