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Big Ten Power Rankings (Mockery Edition) - Week 5

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THREE CHEERS FOR AN IMPROVED RUTGER!

Noah K. Murray

Sometimes you just have to tip your cap. The Gnomes know improvement when they see it, and as a result, they have to highlight the quality put on display by the fine folks at Rutger. This weekend was all about getting better, and the fighting rutger certainly did that.

Don’t believe us? Check out this week’s Mockery Power Rankings!

1) rutger (1-4, 0-2 Big Ten)

Last week: displayed vast improvement by only losing to Ohio State, 56-0.

TWO WHOLE POINTS Y’ALL! THAT’S A SLEEPING GIANT RIGHT THERE.

I mean, it’s there for a reason right?

Oh yes, the part where we go to On The Banks.

Recap: Rutgers Football overwhelmed by #11 Ohio State

The Drive That Summed it Up

With Rutgers trailing 14-0 in the second quarter, there was still excitement in the stadium despite a tipped INT to halt a potential RU scoring drive previously. Rutgers defense was fired up looking to force their fourth punt of the game and had Ohio State facing a 3rd and 17 from their own 30. Rather than run a dive play like many other teams in the country, Ohio State called a pass. Rutgers had 7 men in coverage but the two linebackers were too close to one another and not near any eligible receiver on the strong side of the formation. With Barrett rolling out to the weak side and no one between him and the first down marker 20 yards away, Isaiah Wharton looked to the backfield. K.J. Gray playing free safety opted to help inside leaving Wharton alone on an island down the sideline. Wharton likely hoped Gray would help him instead and as a result Ohio State’s Johnnie Dixon was wide open for a 70 yard score.

WORDS TO LIVE BY.

2) Iowa (3-2, 0-2 Big Ten)

Last week: lost to Michigan State 17-10 and had a sadz.

Who likes watching Iowa fans melt down on Twitter. You do? Well good, you’re in luck!

First off, the play of the century of the game of the week.

Drink that in. Heck, put it in a needle and shoot it straight into the Gnomes’ veins. The terribleness of it is magical to behold. It’s worthy of song, nay, a sonnet!

If I could write the beauty of your throws,

And in fresh numbers number all your graces,

The age to come would say 'This poet blows;

Such heavenly touches ne'er touched earthly faces.'

William Gnomespeare, Sonnet XVII

Gnome Narrator: “It did not suck.”

Better than looking like a rutger drive.

IS THAT NOT HOW IT IS DONE? I WAS TOLD THAT WAS HOW IT WAS DONE? HOW ARE THE ARTS OF PUNTING RELATED THINGS FOREIGN TO AN IOWA PLAYER ANYHOW?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If you don’t already have Yakety Sax playing, start it up from the video above then read the following from Black Heart Gold Pants. You can thank the Gnomes later.

Overreaction Monday: Punched in the Gut

The Hawkeyes just killed themselves with mistake after mistake at really inopportune times. There was the... whatever that was by Stanley that likely cost Iowa 7, but definitely 3. There was the Smith fumble with Iowa inside the MSU 40 and finally getting something going. That likely cost another 3. And sprinkled in were a slew of holding, face mask and pass interference penalties. There were dropped passes, missed deep balls, really brutal field position and some incredibly stupid decisions (looking at you, Josh Jackson on that last punt return).

And yet, Iowa had a chance to come down and extend this thing until the very end of the game. It was a punch in the gut. A loss that should have been a win against a team that may or may not make a bowl game this year. One that got away, that we’ll circle as a “what-could’ve-been” when we look back on the season.

3) Illinois (2-2, 0-1 Big Ten)

Last Week: Lost to Nebraska 28-6

Goodness gracious Illinois. Y’all looked atrocious. So let’s start with a positive!

THIS NEXT THREAD MAKES SOME GOOD POINTS.

OOOOOOOOOOF.

Good thing Illinois has an identity though!

Everyone keep the Champaign Room in your thoughts.

Illinois vs. Nebraska recap: The Illini’s Friday night woes continue in 28-6 loss

The good news is as the calendar flips to October, the Illinois football team is undefeated on Saturdays.

The bad news is that the Illini have played half of their games on Friday this season and sit at 2-2, 0-1 Big Ten after a 28-6 loss to Nebraska in Champaign on Friday night.

[snip]

It makes calling plays extremely difficult when there isn’t trust in your quarterback to complete even simple passes. Based on Garrick McGee’s conservative playcalling much of the game, it’s clear that Crouch isn’t able to execute basic pass plays to move the chains and keep drives alive. There are only so many draws, screens, read options, etc., that you can run in order to cover up for a quarterback that can’t throw.

What was also disappointing was the Illini’s pass defense, which couldn’t generate a pass rush, nor tight coverage against Nebraska (3-2, 2-0) quarterback Tanner Lee. Lee led the FBS with nine interceptions coming into the game, but he was efficient Friday night.

Before we move on...THIS CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

Lastly, don’t come at Tom with your Hot Pocket silliness.

4) Northwestern (2-2, 0-1 Big Ten)

Last week: Lost to Wisconsin Badgers 33-24

LOL you and every Medill grad in the national, regional, and local media.

5) Penn State (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten)

Last week: YOU HAD ONE JOB.

Go fuck yourself James Franklin.

5) Nebraska (3-2, 2-0 Big Ten)

Last week: ILOLNOIS FTW

Just...no.

Spots 6-13 in alphabetical order

Indiana (4-1, 0-2 Big Ten): lost to Penn State 45-14

Maryland (3-1, 1-0 Big Ten): Won their BYE WEEK over not Minnesota Golden Gophers

Michigan (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten): BYE WEEK

Nebraska (3-2, 2-0 Big Ten): ILOLNOIS FTW

Ohio State (4-1, 2-0 Big Ten): Death to rutger

Purdue (2-2, 0-1 Big Ten): BYE WEEK

wisconsin (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten): Goodnight sweet nerds

Michigan State (3-1, 1-0 Big Ten): beat Iowa and made them sad

As always, there is no #14 because the Gnomes love Minnesota.