The Minnesota Golden Gophers reportedly traveled to Evanston, Illinois on Saturday, but the box score from an alleged football game against the Northwestern Wildcats would suggest otherwise. The Daily Gopher has obtained unverified footage from the scene of the crime, and while we work to confirm its authenticity, we have gathered our thoughts here as the ongoing investigation continues.
What is your Tweet-length (now 280 characters or less) summary of the Gophers’ 39-0 loss to Northwestern?
gopherguy05: [Poop emoji] x 280
IowaGopher: I thought the Michigan game was rock bottom. I was wrong.
Ustreet: Minnesota played their worst game of the last decade.
dvits14: Meh, whatever.
There was no “Nekton of the Game,” so who embarrassed themselves the least for Minnesota?
gopherguy05: Maybe the equipment staff for the Goldy helmets again that have now been forever disgraced.
IowaGopher: Rodney Smith somehow churned out 96 rushing yards. He did have a fumble in the fourth quarter that led to a Northwestern touchdown on the very next play, but at that point he was simply following his teammates’ script.
Ustreet: Goldy, who is always a Nekton.
dvits14: GoAUpher for watching this fiasco live and in person.
WhiteSpeedReceiver: My dog, who slept through it while wearing her Gophers collar.
Ryan Santoso had eight punts. Which was your favorite?
gopherguy05: The very first one downed at the 2. It was all downhill from there.
IowaGopher: I loved them all equally, but I’ll always have a special place in my heart for the ugly duckling (a.k.a the punt that went 19 yards).
Ustreet: The only good one.
dvits14: The one that went forward.
WhiteSpeedReceiver: The one that didn't get knocked down by the wind.
The Gophers had five turnovers. After how many did you simply become numb to Minnesota’s mistakes?
gopherguy05: Two, I think. I lost count of when I turned the game off.
IowaGopher: I couldn’t think of a better ending to the Gophers’ best offensive drive of the game than an almost certain touchdown pass bouncing off the hands of Phillip Howard and into the open arms of a Northwestern defender in the end zone.
Ustreet: I laughed at the last two.
dvits14: The first interception, as it was obvious Demry Croft and Rashad Still were on two completely separate pages, which isn’t surprising considering Still was coached by Brian Anderson.
WhiteSpeedReceiver: I didn’t. I kept scowling at my TV.
What will you be drinking for the Wisconsin game?
gopherguy05: Any and all things that will keep me from feeling all feelings. I've lost my ability to be picky.
IowaGopher: I will be at a family Thanksgiving, so ideally I’ll be in a food coma, from which I’ll hopefully emerge to find that world peace has been established, a fourth season of Hannibal has been greenlit, and the Gophers have re-claimed Paul Bunyan’s Axe in an early Christmas miracle.
WhiteSpeedReceiver: Grain Belt and/or Irish whiskey.