Penn State fans will be dismayed to learn that their embattled athletics department has found itself in hot water again.*** This time, for burning metric tons of specially dyed paper product without a permit. The news broke following the announcement that PSU head coach James Franklin had agreed to a massive extension that will pay him an average of $5.8 million per year. While this extension has drawn praise from most PSU fans, it’s drawn a critical eye from Pennsylvania’s regulatory and judicial agencies.
Why the sudden scrutiny? It turns out that Nittany Lions athletics director Sandy Barbour had forgotten to file some key paperwork prior to dousing a bunch of cash in gasoline and striking a match.*** Specifically, she forgot acquire a open burning exemption before she set all that sweet Big Ten TV money ablaze. The Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Protection was NOT amused by the oversight and PennDEP spokesperson Jim Fauxneus released the following statement to us:
We take the burning of paper products very seriously in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. The EPA has established that a single household burn barrel may emit as much toxic chemicals as a well-controlled municipal incinerator. The emissions generated when Penn State lights $30 million on fire to make James Franklin the 4th highest paid in college football is considerably worse.
While the 2016 season was a great one for PSU Football, it’s worth noting that they should have lost to a Tracy Claeys led Minnesota squad. Since Penn State and Sandy Barbour did not seek an exemption to the local and state burning ordinances, there is simply no way we can overlook the burning of chemically treated paper in such a wasteful and egregious fashion.
TDG also reached out to Pennsylvania Attorney General Josh Shapiro*** and found that he has ordered an investigation into whether setting $30 million on fire in this manner violates the state’s criminal code:
We’re looking into whether the extension of James Franklin constitutes illegal action under 33 Pa. Cons. Stat. § 3302(b), Risking catastrophe. Under the aforementioned portion of the Commonwealth's criminal code, “a person is guilty of a felony of the third degree if he recklessly creates a risk of catastrophe in the employment of fire, explosives or other dangerous means.”
Given the fact that Sandy Barbour is tying the PSU Football to a large sum of money based on a single season that we’re not sure James Franklin can repeat, we feel this likely represents “risk of catastrophe in the employment of fire.” I cannot comment further on this matter until our investigation is concluded.
Sandy Barbour could not be reached for comment, but online commenter PSU4LYFE6969 had some thoughts:
THIS IS JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF DELANY AND THOSE HATERS IN THE NCAA CONSPIRING AGAINST PENN STATE SO THAT WE CAN’T PUT JOE PA’S STATUE BACK UP. UNTIL THAT STATUE GOES BACK UP THIS KIND OF MESSED UP CRAP IS GOING TO KEEP HAPPENING. TOTAL BULLSHIT.
We’ll have more for you as this story develops.
***This post was created on an assembly line that comes in contact with SATIRE, and therefore may contain SATIRE. If you are allergic to understanding that this post is a JOKE, please use caution when reading. Actually, don’t use caution. Log off immediately and never ever go on the internet again.