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SATIRE: Gophers to recapture glory days with 1930’s-era uniforms

Forget about full banana. Leather helmets and hand-me-downs are what will lead Gopher Nation to the promised land.

Gopher Sports

In a move that has been received with widespread praise from the Gopher faithful, head football coach P.J. Fleck has announced that the program will be discarding the modern Nike uniforms that appeal to high school prospects in favor of the leather helmets and hand-me-down jerseys and pants from the 1930’s.

“We haven’t won a national championship here at Minnesota since 1960,” said Fleck. “We want to build a program that is winning championships year in and year out, and Minnesota won five national championships between 1934 and 1941. That’s the kind of dynasty we want to emulate and it starts with what we wear during games.”

One reporter dared to question whether or not uniforms have any actual impact on a team’s wins and losses, and Fleck simply stared at the reporter for five minutes before responding with, “Change your best,” and leaving the podium.

Recent attempts to appeal to millennials with alternate uniforms that embrace change — including a blinding all-white uniform combination worn after Labor Day (is nothing sacred, P.J.?) — have been met with harsh resistance from Gopher fans.

“All I care about is building a winning program, but these uniforms have crossed a line,” explains Floyd Peterson, a University of Minnesota alum and season ticket holder who claims to have once spent an entire game shaking his head when the Gophers wore white pants for a home game. “There is a right way to run a program, and taking the field with a daggum gopher on the side of your helmet is just not right.”

Many fans have cited Alabama as an example of a championship program that has chosen to honor tradition rather than cave to the demands of millennials who wish to trample all that college football fans hold sacred. The Daily Gopher attempted to reach their 5- and 4-star recruits for comment, but none were available, and attempts to breach their multi-million dollar facilities were unsuccessful.

Ohio State and Michigan are also programs that have rejected the notion of alternate uniforms, especially anything as unsightly or audacious as “full banana.”

So a throwback to the program’s heyday — long before the days of player safety and graphic design — is expected to win over even the most cantankerous curmudgeons among Gopher Nation, and help return the program to national prominence.

“I think it’s certainly a step in the right direction,” said Floyd, upon being shown an old photo of the 1930’s uniforms the Gophers will be wearing. “But this helmet here looks black and white.

“The school colors are maroon and gold.”

This is satire and is not intended to be taken as fact. The quotes attributed to P.J. Fleck are fabricated, Floyd Peterson isn’t real, and leather helmets are never coming back.