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Hello again all you Gnome maniacs! This is GoAUpher welcoming you to another edition of What’s The B1G Deal? This week’s mockery power rankings have shifted greatly since the conclusion of Saturday’s games because the Gnomes have been forced to address the off field antics of the Big Ten’s resident clown, Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh. This means Nebraska and Iowa get a reprieve from today’s top spot. Yes, that’s right, the Gnomes are giving sad Iowa fans a pass. That’s how silly Michigan looks right now.
1) Michigan (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten)
Last week: managed to beat Purdue 28-10 despite Purdue offering them Ebola infected Powerade jugs or something
Did you know that Purdue is big on endangering the health and welfare of the student athletes from other schools who come to play them in the grand sport of footballering? Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh wants you to be aware of this fact so much that he dedicated a decent chunk of his post-game press conference to it.
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Player safety is REALLY important. But here’s the thing. If Purdue’s locker room for visiting teams constitutes a massive player safety issue then there needs to be national outrage. Why? Because the facilities Purdue offers visiting teams are equivalent to those that most visiting high school football teams experience, including in parts of the country much warmer than Indiana. The same can be said for game day facilities offered to a ton of visiting junior college, Division III, Division II, and lower level Division I programs. But Harbaugh doesn’t care about that and this isn’t about player safety. It’s about the effect on HIS players (and the gnomes have a nagging suspicion that means effect on his player’s performance more than their safety).
Harbaugh would also sound more credible on the player safety from if he wasn’t tossing out words like unsanitary to describe the Ross-Ade visitor facilities. Nothing about is unsanitary. A lot about them does appear to be UNCOMFORTABLE though (see the video in the next tweet for evidence).
As the locker room turns: @WLFI now tours the locker room that Harbaugh thinks is a Turkish bath: https://t.co/SVqyESC4ac @MaizenBrew
— Hammer & Rails (@HammerAndRails) September 27, 2017
Something tells us that’s his real complaint. Rose-Ade may not be great (UNDERSTATEMENT), but we’re not talking about the Rubber Bowl here.
The current Google Maps sat view of the dilapidated Rubber Bowl shows why the city of Akron wants to demolish it: pic.twitter.com/T0tVrWytYk
— RedditCFB (@RedditCFB) September 24, 2017
Also, other than the air-conditioning issue it looks like Michigan might have a bit of a glass house problem.
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Maize n’ Brew have their bug eyed captain’s back though (multiple times in fact). The Gnomes would suggest they think this through before they start looking like this dude:
Just a couple of things that I personally think Purdue needs to address. Strictly my observations from shooting the game Saturday. pic.twitter.com/XY8ma3uEUx
— Eric Upchurch (@EUpchurchPhoto) September 25, 2017
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2) Purdue (2-2, 0-1 Big Ten)
Last week: lost to Michigan in the aforementioned Ebola Bowl
Seriously though Purdue, you should really be ashamed that your visitor’s locker room is being bested by multiple Texas high schools and at least a handful of Division III schools. I know y’all had a cheap ass athletics director for a long time, but your school’s best response to Harbaugh’s rant was “yes we know our game day facilities are shitty but we warned you about that in bold print and you never complained until now.” No seriously, that’s the response.
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They also went with “we’re not the only ones with shitty game day options.” No seriously, here’s the quote from that local news report that I linked to in the Michigan portion of the rankings:
"Our visiting locker room is on par with a lot in the Big Ten," said Tom Schott, Senior Associate Athletics Director of Communication at Purdue. "There have been unofficial surveys done over the last 24 hours and, you know, we're not that far different than most schools in the conference."
Good lord Purdue. Have some pride. At least Hammer and Rails knows how to turn this into some good satire:
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Though they should probably watch their terrible local news reports before clapping back at your trust Gnomes scribe with incorrect details and pedantry.
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Seriously Purdue don’t make the Gnomes rank you above Rutgers again. They’ll do it.
In non shitty Purdue facilities news, LOVE IS REAL (seriously just click through all the images on the first tweet before you continue, you won’t be disappointed)...
The most dedicated a guy has ever been to shooting his shot... should I take him pic.twitter.com/K6827LqbpD
— Em (@emma_vowell) September 26, 2017
Guys, he even made a resumé pic.twitter.com/OgJTGMppRH
— Em (@emma_vowell) September 26, 2017
Since people keep asking, Austin and I are getting coffee tomorrow and are planning on going skydiving together October 28th.
— Em (@emma_vowell) September 26, 2017
...and Stepbrothers is awesome!
"Did we just become best friends?"
— Purdue Basketball (@BoilerBall) September 26, 2017
pic.twitter.com/LcUG4ExmIM
3) Iowa Hawkeyes (3-1, 0-1 Big Ten)
Last week: Experienced ALL THE HEARTBREAK versus in a 21-19 loss to Penn State.
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Here are a bunch of the Gnomes favorite tweets from during and after the wonderful loss they suffered on the last play of the game. NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM THE TEARS OF INFINITE SADNESS ARE AMAZING.
Iowa pitched 5 yards deep into its end zone and didn't block the D-end, and you'll never believe what happened next https://t.co/CD4nVSpGpL
— Alex Kirshner (@alex_kirshner) September 24, 2017
Penn State better watch out. Iowa football is very comfortable at 7-5. pic.twitter.com/nSzequNXsF
— Matt Brown (@MattSBN) September 24, 2017
Saquon Barkley is just not fair. pic.twitter.com/kctEK2EBpg
— Bryan Fischer (@BryanDFischer) September 24, 2017
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ pic.twitter.com/iIBUjZdfOg
— Dr. Saturday (@YahooDrSaturday) September 24, 2017
The winning play pic.twitter.com/e85eANwJYJ
— Dr. Saturday (@YahooDrSaturday) September 24, 2017
Are you shitting me? pic.twitter.com/5M84bc41hC
— Due# (@JDue51) September 24, 2017
Not sure I’ve EVER heard a crowd go from 120 decibels to 0 like that. #PennState
— Bill Connelly (@SBN_BillC) September 24, 2017
The way the noise left Kinnick, my God
— Steven Godfrey (@38Godfrey) September 24, 2017
SAD IOWA FACES INJECT THEM INTO MY VEINS
— Liz Roscher (@lizroscher) September 24, 2017
The Gnomes are here to serve you Liz. ALL THE SAD FACES AND SURRENDER COBRAS!
Faces of Iowa failure pic.twitter.com/KaKNfelHKE
— SB Nation GIF (@SBNationGIF) September 24, 2017
#SurrenderCobra #PSUvIOWA pic.twitter.com/aJ9bs7CXN9
— RedditCFB (@RedditCFB) September 24, 2017
Gotta feel for this kid... he watched his favorite team just die in front of him #PSUvIOWA pic.twitter.com/XRgPGxAusg
— RedditCFB (@RedditCFB) September 24, 2017
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My man on the left went full Zombie Mode after that walk-off. pic.twitter.com/tq84kCWxZz
— Seth Kaplan (@Seth_Kaplan) September 24, 2017
Can someone come and take this knife out of my heart
— BlackHeartGoldPants (@BHGP) September 24, 2017
Welp, I'm not sleeping tonight.
— AmericaNeedsFarmabro (@PV_GIA) September 24, 2017
Welcome to Iowa City: Everything is Pain™ #Hawkeyes pic.twitter.com/i8O7WYHVes
— RedditCFB (@RedditCFB) September 24, 2017
Including the moron next to me at the bar who yelled on 4D: "line up the shots, this one's in the bag!" https://t.co/37d1nzy7cN
— Gina Nicole (@GinaNicole_11) September 26, 2017
More accurate: pic.twitter.com/x9sC7dPHKY
— Τeagen (@_teeegs_) September 24, 2017
The day I feel bad for the Hawkeyes is the day you shovel dirt over me.
— Mark Primiano (@BPSS_UGod) September 24, 2017
IOWA'S TEARS SUSTAIN ME
— Elite Zubaz (@GoAUpher) September 24, 2017
Also, Iowa beat writer Mark Morehouse is the best.
— Marc Morehouse (@marcmorehouse) September 25, 2017
4) Nebraska (3-1, 1-0 Big Ten)
Last week: could have lost to rutger, but held on 27-17.
Look, Nebraska could have been way higher here but all they did was play pretty badly against rutger and fire their AD in a move that is totally going to transport the program back to the 1990’s again.
Before we go any further, I want to call this out:
The best thing about this is that it will also work for Nebraska the rest of the season. https://t.co/lACSmyxKSd
— Elite Zubaz (@GoAUpher) September 24, 2017
Ok, let’s review the rutger-ing first.
The 194 total yards by Rutgers were the fewest allowed in the Mike Riley era, besting the 213 by Northern Illinois last week. #Huskers
— Brian Rosenthal (@GBRosenthal) September 23, 2017
All that is true and Nebraska was still in position to a Kill led turtle offense. That is bad. I’m sure Nebraska fans took this well...
The Greatest Fans in College Football are booing like they're Iowa State.
— AmericaNeedsFarmabro (@PV_GIA) September 23, 2017
Oh. But their boos were loud enough to drown out rutger excitment right?
It may be homecoming at Nebraska but the R-U chants are being heard in Lincoln after the Hester Pick six
— On the Banks (@OTB_SBNation) September 23, 2017
Oh. But Tanner Lee was good like he should have been right?
Tanner Lee has thrown 6 TD and 9 INT this year. Of course I’m not counting the TDs he’s thrown to the other team.
— Tom Fornelli (@TomFornelli) September 23, 2017
Pick six Rutgers, because, it had to happen.
— CornNation (@CornNation) September 23, 2017
I’m sure this all ok.
It’s like these offensive coaches don’t even want to be here anymore.
— CornNation (@CornNation) September 23, 2017
THIS IS NOT OK. Corn Nation had it’s priorities was out there celebrating big #squadgoals after the win:
We’re not the worst team in the Big Ten!!! Wooooooooo!!!
— CornNation (@CornNation) September 23, 2017
You gotta start somewhere and this is it!
Enough with the rutger-ing. It is time for the FIRE THE AD FREAKOUT GOODNESS. For example, what do you get if you use a Freedom of Information Request to see how Nebraska fans are taking the Northern Illinois loss? SO MUCH ANGRY.
I would have the game on my phone when I was setting bones in the emergency room. I listened to it on the radio when I wasn’t able to watch. I took my in-training exam on a Saturday morning trying to focus long enough to have a respectable score all while knowing I was going to the Big House to watch my Cornhuskers in action against Michigan.
Then, Nebraska hired Mike Riley. I remember being in the operating room and the anesthesiologist telling me who had been hired. My heart sank. Not because I thought he was a bad coach. I think he is a good coach. It sank because he is an OLD coach. I know Nebraska football needed a cure. Unfortunately, that cure is not a quick cure, and I knew he wouldn’t have the time or energy to see it though.
If you have qualms about your Ortho and he’s a Husker fan please show him that and ask if it was him and then go get a new Ortho ASAP.
Also, did you know that Larry the Cable Guy was upset? This fan did. I for one think and Board of Regents that doesn’t factor in Larry the Cable Guy’s feelings in their hiring/firing decisions is doing it wrong.
Last night, Larry the Cable Guy tweeted to get rid of Shawn {Eichorst}. You’ve lost your most famous fan. He’s a big donor and a huge supporter and you lost him. Think of Joe Fab from North Platte, Valentine, McCook and Scottsbluff. They’re spending a great deal to be here for games. Oh, and look at the empty seats during games. Do you really think this program is headed in the right direction?
Seriously though, Larry the Cable Guy has thoughts.
He has spoken!https://t.co/93kH2cCVKe
— Land Of 10 (@landof10) September 21, 2017
Why isn’t he just the AD already? Other Nebby greats are offering to help as well.
fine I'll do it https://t.co/W31dTonH88
— Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) September 21, 2017
Lots of love from past players too:
I'll say what most of us previous players wanted to say. From day 1 he didn't give us a good first impression def during that first meeting
— Tommy Armstrong Jr. (@Tommy_Gun4) September 21, 2017
Speaking of Northern Illinois...
Coworker in Lincoln: "Nebraska would go undefeated with BSU's schedule"
— Raja Prabhala (@RajaBleedsBlue) September 21, 2017
Me: "We beat Northern Illinois by 7 TD's just 18 months ago"
This worked out well for Shawn...
When Eichorst fired Pelini, he said, “In the final analysis, I had to evaluate where Iowa was.”
— Chris Vannini (@ChrisVannini) September 21, 2017
Since then, Nebraska is 16-14, Iowa is 23-8
But he was a nice guy...
Chancellor: Nebraska needs a change of leadership.
— Adam Jacobi (@Adam_Jacobi) September 21, 2017
Shawn Eichorst: Couldn't agree more. I've these identified 12 coaching candi—
Chancellor: pic.twitter.com/CSVMWOIX4K
Fox made a Children of the Corn ad for Nebraska football and someone really did get whacked in the corn by the end of September.
— RossWB (@RossWB) September 21, 2017
Mike Riley, how you doing?
We go live to Mike Riley: pic.twitter.com/AfshP4vUQz
— CJ Fogler (@cjzero) September 21, 2017
Nebraska is a great place to be an AD and head coach though right?
THROUGH THESE GATES WALK THE SHORTEST SIGHTED, MOST RIDICULOUSLY FAIR-WEATHER FANS OF ALL COLLEGE FOOTBALL.
— Five Hearts for BT (@SaltCreekGBR) September 21, 2017
/reads "Understands challenges of bringing back glory days"
— Elite Zubaz (@GoAUpher) September 21, 2017
//sees we're talking about Nebby fans
///dies of laughter https://t.co/4Q28fDXqoo
They forgot
— CornNation (@CornNation) September 22, 2017
- batshit insane fans https://t.co/UtdnaQPGJH
Edited this to convey my thoughts on the current state of #Huskers athletics. pic.twitter.com/tC7f08qUhE
— Joe Evans (@AsianJoeEvans) September 21, 2017
Some folks have a plan for how to fix this:
The best thing Nebraska could do is legalize marijuana before they hire the next head football coach
— CornNation (@CornNation) September 21, 2017
The only man who can lead Nebraska football back to greatness: pic.twitter.com/hcK6PwAKRY
— RossWB (@RossWB) September 21, 2017
Two current CFB head coaches were born in Lincoln, Nebraska. One is Craig Bohl. The other... pic.twitter.com/ix20O8jlJt
— Max Olson (@max_olson) September 21, 2017
Corn Nation reached LET IT BURN status by the weekend:
In any case, it's most likely it will be a minimum of two to three years before Nebraska is in position to win the Big Ten West, the first step in recovering "the Glory 90s". Hope you're all around for the ride - users tend to show up more when things are filled with drama, disappear when they’re bad, then return when there’s something happens that feeds their egos.
[snip]
Maybe they need to hire a “Nebraska guy” who does things the “Nebraska Way”, so we can proceed to see whether or not it will succeed.
Trev Alberts.
Scott Frost.
Insert former 90s greats names here for position coaches even though none of them have experience in coaching, but they know how to build championship culture.
If nothing else, it will be a helluva party. If it succeeds, great. If it doesn’t, well, who gives a damn that we’ll just be paying more for people to not work for Nebraska anymore. That and we’ll get this “we can win with Nebraska walk-ons” out of our system and then be able to go on and do great things.
Ooooof.
5) rutger (1-3, 0-1 Big Ten)
Last week: YOU HAD ONE JOB.
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Translation? rutger still https://t.co/4KZ3WzpZop
— Elite Zubaz (@GoAUpher) September 23, 2017
In not Nebby game news, the NCAA is coming for rutger...
Rutgers failed to monitor its football program over a five-year period: https://t.co/upEMn1VGXu
— Inside the NCAA (@InsidetheNCAA) September 22, 2017
...and this Twitter dot com users make some good points.
To be fair, so did the rest of us. https://t.co/3BJXR84l0n
— Matt Porter (@mattyports) September 22, 2017
at least they won't have to vacate any of their 3 wins over that time period...
— Joey O (@Michman21) September 22, 2017
If you were watching Iowa and found yourself thinking this, well, just stop because you’re rutger-ing too hard.
How can any #Rutgers fan watch this #Hawkeyes vs #PSU game and not think: Kyle Flood couldn't keep Barkley commit and didn't offer Wadley?
— Ryan Dunleavy (@rydunleavy) September 24, 2017
On The Banks had the following reaction to the ONE JOB incident.
As bad as the offense has been this season, it is still an improved version from last year. In red zone trips this season, Rutgers has scored in 14 of 15 opportunities, 10 of which have been for touchdowns, which is already one more than all of last season. In 2016, Rutgers had just 25 red zone trips in 12 games and scored on just 17 of them, including only 9 touchdowns. Last season’s offense was the worst in college football, so some improvement was expected, but the reality is they are far better in the red zone this season. The problem is they need to get there much more often.
Eek.
6) Maryland (2-1, 0-0 Big Ten)
Last week: Lost to UCF , 38-10
Shot:
THE TERPS SHOWED UP FOR GAME DAY
— SB Nation (@SBNation) September 23, 2017
( : @totalfratmove) pic.twitter.com/BKL9SJvFqA
Chaser (via Testudo Times):
Maryland has played three football games in 2017. The Terps have now lost two quarterbacks for the season.
True freshman Kasim Hill suffered a torn ACL in the first quarter against UCF and will have surgery this week, head coach DJ Durkin confirmed Tuesday.
Hill’s injury came under six quarters after sophomore Tyrrell Pigrome tore his ACL against Texas. The two battled each other for the starting job in fall camp; now, Maryland has lost both before playing a single conference game.
With Hill on the sidelines against UCF, the Terps’ offense stagnated. Max Bortenschlager completed 15 of 26 passes for 132 yards, with one touchdown countered by two interceptions, including a pick-six, and five sacks. Maryland tallied 130 yards of offense in the final three quarters.
Spots 7-11 in alphabetical order
Illinois (2-1, 0-0 Big Ten): BYE WEEK
Indiana (3-1, 0-1 Big Ten): BYE WEEK wait beat up on Georgia Southern 52-17
Northwestern (2-1, 0-0 Big Ten): BYE WEEK
Ohio State (3-1, 1-0 Big Ten): Killed UNLV, 54-21
wisconsin (3-0, 0-0 Big Ten): BYE WEEK
12) Michigan State (2-1, 0-0 Big Ten)
Last week: lost to Notre Dame, 38-18.
Normally this would get them #7 in the rankings but then MSU went out and did this:
Welcoming Iowa to the visiting side of Spartan Stadium this weekend. pic.twitter.com/OoAwZneCMX
— MSU Football EQ (@SpartanFB_eq) September 27, 2017
Quality shade means no mockery MSU equipment bros. Gnomes recognize game.
13) Penn State (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten)
Last week: made Iowa cry.
Enjoy the Gnomes’ appreciation for your hard work.