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Big Ten Power Rankings (Mockery Edition) - Week 4


Hello again all you Gnome maniacs! This is GoAUpher welcoming you to another edition of What’s The B1G Deal? This week’s mockery power rankings have shifted greatly since the conclusion of Saturday’s games because the Gnomes have been forced to address the off field antics of the Big Ten’s resident clown, Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh. This means Nebraska and Iowa get a reprieve from today’s top spot. Yes, that’s right, the Gnomes are giving sad Iowa fans a pass. That’s how silly Michigan looks right now.

1) Michigan (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten)

Last week: managed to beat Purdue 28-10 despite Purdue offering them Ebola infected Powerade jugs or something

Did you know that Purdue is big on endangering the health and welfare of the student athletes from other schools who come to play them in the grand sport of footballering? Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh wants you to be aware of this fact so much that he dedicated a decent chunk of his post-game press conference to it.

Player safety is REALLY important. But here’s the thing. If Purdue’s locker room for visiting teams constitutes a massive player safety issue then there needs to be national outrage. Why? Because the facilities Purdue offers visiting teams are equivalent to those that most visiting high school football teams experience, including in parts of the country much warmer than Indiana. The same can be said for game day facilities offered to a ton of visiting junior college, Division III, Division II, and lower level Division I programs. But Harbaugh doesn’t care about that and this isn’t about player safety. It’s about the effect on HIS players (and the gnomes have a nagging suspicion that means effect on his player’s performance more than their safety).

Harbaugh would also sound more credible on the player safety from if he wasn’t tossing out words like unsanitary to describe the Ross-Ade visitor facilities. Nothing about is unsanitary. A lot about them does appear to be UNCOMFORTABLE though (see the video in the next tweet for evidence).

Something tells us that’s his real complaint. Rose-Ade may not be great (UNDERSTATEMENT), but we’re not talking about the Rubber Bowl here.

Also, other than the air-conditioning issue it looks like Michigan might have a bit of a glass house problem.

Maize n’ Brew have their bug eyed captain’s back though (multiple times in fact). The Gnomes would suggest they think this through before they start looking like this dude:

2) Purdue (2-2, 0-1 Big Ten)

Last week: lost to Michigan in the aforementioned Ebola Bowl

Seriously though Purdue, you should really be ashamed that your visitor’s locker room is being bested by multiple Texas high schools and at least a handful of Division III schools. I know y’all had a cheap ass athletics director for a long time, but your school’s best response to Harbaugh’s rant was “yes we know our game day facilities are shitty but we warned you about that in bold print and you never complained until now.” No seriously, that’s the response.

They also went with “we’re not the only ones with shitty game day options.” No seriously, here’s the quote from that local news report that I linked to in the Michigan portion of the rankings:

"Our visiting locker room is on par with a lot in the Big Ten," said Tom Schott, Senior Associate Athletics Director of Communication at Purdue. "There have been unofficial surveys done over the last 24 hours and, you know, we're not that far different than most schools in the conference."

Good lord Purdue. Have some pride. At least Hammer and Rails knows how to turn this into some good satire:

Though they should probably watch their terrible local news reports before clapping back at your trust Gnomes scribe with incorrect details and pedantry.

Seriously Purdue don’t make the Gnomes rank you above Rutgers again. They’ll do it.

In non shitty Purdue facilities news, LOVE IS REAL (seriously just click through all the images on the first tweet before you continue, you won’t be disappointed)...

...and Stepbrothers is awesome!

3) Iowa Hawkeyes (3-1, 0-1 Big Ten)

Last week: Experienced ALL THE HEARTBREAK versus in a 21-19 loss to Penn State.

Here are a bunch of the Gnomes favorite tweets from during and after the wonderful loss they suffered on the last play of the game. NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM THE TEARS OF INFINITE SADNESS ARE AMAZING.

The Gnomes are here to serve you Liz. ALL THE SAD FACES AND SURRENDER COBRAS!

Also, Iowa beat writer Mark Morehouse is the best.

4) Nebraska (3-1, 1-0 Big Ten)

Last week: could have lost to rutger, but held on 27-17.

Look, Nebraska could have been way higher here but all they did was play pretty badly against rutger and fire their AD in a move that is totally going to transport the program back to the 1990’s again.

Before we go any further, I want to call this out:

Ok, let’s review the rutger-ing first.

All that is true and Nebraska was still in position to a Kill led turtle offense. That is bad. I’m sure Nebraska fans took this well...

Oh. But their boos were loud enough to drown out rutger excitment right?

Oh. But Tanner Lee was good like he should have been right?

I’m sure this all ok.

THIS IS NOT OK. Corn Nation had it’s priorities was out there celebrating big #squadgoals after the win:

Enough with the rutger-ing. It is time for the FIRE THE AD FREAKOUT GOODNESS. For example, what do you get if you use a Freedom of Information Request to see how Nebraska fans are taking the Northern Illinois loss? SO MUCH ANGRY.

I would have the game on my phone when I was setting bones in the emergency room. I listened to it on the radio when I wasn’t able to watch. I took my in-training exam on a Saturday morning trying to focus long enough to have a respectable score all while knowing I was going to the Big House to watch my Cornhuskers in action against Michigan.

Then, Nebraska hired Mike Riley. I remember being in the operating room and the anesthesiologist telling me who had been hired. My heart sank. Not because I thought he was a bad coach. I think he is a good coach. It sank because he is an OLD coach. I know Nebraska football needed a cure. Unfortunately, that cure is not a quick cure, and I knew he wouldn’t have the time or energy to see it though.

If you have qualms about your Ortho and he’s a Husker fan please show him that and ask if it was him and then go get a new Ortho ASAP.

Also, did you know that Larry the Cable Guy was upset? This fan did. I for one think and Board of Regents that doesn’t factor in Larry the Cable Guy’s feelings in their hiring/firing decisions is doing it wrong.

Last night, Larry the Cable Guy tweeted to get rid of Shawn {Eichorst}. You’ve lost your most famous fan. He’s a big donor and a huge supporter and you lost him. Think of Joe Fab from North Platte, Valentine, McCook and Scottsbluff. They’re spending a great deal to be here for games. Oh, and look at the empty seats during games. Do you really think this program is headed in the right direction?

Seriously though, Larry the Cable Guy has thoughts.

Why isn’t he just the AD already? Other Nebby greats are offering to help as well.

Lots of love from past players too:

Speaking of Northern Illinois...

This worked out well for Shawn...

But he was a nice guy...

Mike Riley, how you doing?

Nebraska is a great place to be an AD and head coach though right?

Some folks have a plan for how to fix this:

Corn Nation reached LET IT BURN status by the weekend:

In any case, it's most likely it will be a minimum of two to three years before Nebraska is in position to win the Big Ten West, the first step in recovering "the Glory 90s". Hope you're all around for the ride - users tend to show up more when things are filled with drama, disappear when they’re bad, then return when there’s something happens that feeds their egos.


Maybe they need to hire a “Nebraska guy” who does things the “Nebraska Way”, so we can proceed to see whether or not it will succeed.

Trev Alberts.

Scott Frost.

Insert former 90s greats names here for position coaches even though none of them have experience in coaching, but they know how to build championship culture.

If nothing else, it will be a helluva party. If it succeeds, great. If it doesn’t, well, who gives a damn that we’ll just be paying more for people to not work for Nebraska anymore. That and we’ll get this “we can win with Nebraska walk-ons” out of our system and then be able to go on and do great things.


5) rutger (1-3, 0-1 Big Ten)

Last week: YOU HAD ONE JOB.

In not Nebby game news, the NCAA is coming for rutger...

...and this Twitter dot com users make some good points.

If you were watching Iowa and found yourself thinking this, well, just stop because you’re rutger-ing too hard.

On The Banks had the following reaction to the ONE JOB incident.

As bad as the offense has been this season, it is still an improved version from last year. In red zone trips this season, Rutgers has scored in 14 of 15 opportunities, 10 of which have been for touchdowns, which is already one more than all of last season. In 2016, Rutgers had just 25 red zone trips in 12 games and scored on just 17 of them, including only 9 touchdowns. Last season’s offense was the worst in college football, so some improvement was expected, but the reality is they are far better in the red zone this season. The problem is they need to get there much more often.


6) Maryland (2-1, 0-0 Big Ten)

Last week: Lost to UCF , 38-10


Chaser (via Testudo Times):

Maryland has played three football games in 2017. The Terps have now lost two quarterbacks for the season.

True freshman Kasim Hill suffered a torn ACL in the first quarter against UCF and will have surgery this week, head coach DJ Durkin confirmed Tuesday.

Hill’s injury came under six quarters after sophomore Tyrrell Pigrome tore his ACL against Texas. The two battled each other for the starting job in fall camp; now, Maryland has lost both before playing a single conference game.

With Hill on the sidelines against UCF, the Terps’ offense stagnated. Max Bortenschlager completed 15 of 26 passes for 132 yards, with one touchdown countered by two interceptions, including a pick-six, and five sacks. Maryland tallied 130 yards of offense in the final three quarters.

Spots 7-11 in alphabetical order

Illinois (2-1, 0-0 Big Ten): BYE WEEK

Indiana (3-1, 0-1 Big Ten): BYE WEEK wait beat up on Georgia Southern 52-17

Northwestern (2-1, 0-0 Big Ten): BYE WEEK

Ohio State (3-1, 1-0 Big Ten): Killed UNLV, 54-21

wisconsin (3-0, 0-0 Big Ten): BYE WEEK

12) Michigan State (2-1, 0-0 Big Ten)

Last week: lost to Notre Dame, 38-18.

Normally this would get them #7 in the rankings but then MSU went out and did this:

Quality shade means no mockery MSU equipment bros. Gnomes recognize game.

13) Penn State (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten)

Last week: made Iowa cry.

Enjoy the Gnomes’ appreciation for your hard work.

As always, there is no #14 because the Gnomes love Minnesota.