clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

What’s the B1G Deal returns with gnome angst and mockery Power Rankings

New, 3 comments

Also, the gnomes want you to know it’s not their fault this post was delayed.

NCAA Football: Ball State at Illinois Mike Granse-USA TODAY Sports

I heard the noise start up on Tuesday night. I was worried it might show up on the Pahdcast. A unceasing clattering coming from above my desk. The sound of little feet stomping and little voices cursing me. It was the Gopher Gnomes and they wanted to know why I wasn’t ready to work on the first “What’s The B1G Deal?” post of the year.

I explained that I was working hard on this new thing called the Ski-U-Pahdcast that we were all really excited about and that I’d be ready to take down their notes the next day. They were angry but accepting of that. Then the self inflicted audio editing errors struck, followed by Job A being Job A. Next thing you know it’s Friday and they’re throwing tiny paper airplanes at me made out of the following message mocking my poor project management.

I hear you Gnomes. I hear you. I’ll try to be better. Because I had pissed them off, they only consented to giving me GIFs to use for each team. I’m hoping they’ll be more talkative next week. In the meantime, here are the Big Ten teams Power ranked by things the Gnomes want to mock (not all of which are related to how the team played)

1) Illinois (1-0)

IlLOLnois should have lost to Ball State but didn’t. The loss would have been bad enough on it’s own, but then I realized it would have been doubly sad because I’m pretty sure not losing to Ball State is the only thing Illinois fans have to lord over Northwestern right now.

How bad was this game? THIS BAD.

And this bad.

That GIF. Drink it in, it always goes down smooth.

Don’t worry though, once Lovie finds his Cutler this will all be ok. He’s not just collecting a paycheck or anything. Nope.

2) Michigan (1-0)

Michigan beat Florida by less than they should have but they have an excuse.

Rather than talk more about the game the Gnomes would rather focus on is this bit of lunacy from a Michigan fan that appeared on the internet today:


The Gnomes want to be clear. This man is an idiot. With $6800 you could fly into an airport 4 hours away, rent a car, arrive with plenty of time to get a good night’s sleep and drink heavily the next day, and STILL be head in the “money” game as you use that $6800 in airline credit to take 3 trips to Hawaii over the next year.

Also, this guy was a the game.

Michigan fans are the worst.

3) Maryland (1-0)

Maryland went out and make Texas fans hate themselves which is good. They played in a way that suggests Maryland may be better than expected, which is bad.

This is all very confusing and the gnomes would much prefer that Maryland get back to being disappointing while wearing very loud uniforms. This is probably the point where you wonder why Maryland is number three in these rankings. Because the gnomes are still giggling about Texas but they don’t talk about Big 12 teams here so Maryland is just the vessel for this discussion.

Barking Carnival is putting out quality #content that we will need to emulate in the future but I digress...

Oh yes then there was Baylor which is in Texas so the Gnomes think it is still germane to Maryland’s #3 ranking...

4) Indiana (0-1)

After a whole bunch of “Maybe Indiana is...GOOD?” tweets this happened:

I swear to Jobu that’s something I thought the football gods would have saved for Minnesota but here we are. Chant “Overrated” just before giving up the go-ahead score and getting run the eff over? You go up the mockery rankings.

On the plus side...

5) Iowa (1-0)

The gnomes would love to mock Iowa but they didn’t really earn it other than being from Iowa which the Gnomes have decided they can’t use as their sole reason every week despite its validity. Just to be clear though, they relish the opportunity to rank Iowa higher for Ferentz related reasons soon.

In the meantime they’ve put Iowa #5 under the previous Maryland precedent.

Dammit Wyoming you had one job. AND IT WASN’T TO DO THIS.

I mean, for goodness sakes Wyoming! You gave Iowa fans a chance to tweet about their punter recruiting!

You’re bad and should feel bad Wyoming. I know the Gnomes would agree with this.

6) Rutgers (0-1)

I know it shocked everyone, but Rutgers played ok football for a decent part of their Friday night game against Washington before losing. HOWEVER...

THIS WAS YOUR BIG PROMO FOR STUDENTS? THREE PEOPLE PER HOT TUB SURROUNDED BY CAMERAS AND A LIFEGUARD? FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.

7) Nebraska (1-0)

Nebraska won a shootout with Arkansas State? OH BOY THAT NEBRASKA DEFENSE IS LOOKING :FIRE: RIGHT NOW!

Keep it up Nebraska, the gnomes believe in you!

On the plus, your fans are coming through with the good kind of :fire: too.

8) Northwestern (1-0)

You tried to get your early non-con loss on there Northwestern, and for that the Gnomes commend you. Sure, you won but you didn’t look impressive doing it so we’re good.

9) Wisconsin (1-0)

Wisconsin did such a nice job of losing early before scoring like 42 unanswered points and walking away with the victory. SO ANNOYING. This feels relevant to our Wisconsin hate though.

10) Purdue (0-1)

The gnomes were about to rank Purdue #13 in honor of them actually playing a decent game. Then this happened.

You’re dead to me Purdue.

11) Ohio State (1-0)

They would have been SO MUCH HIGHER if the Gnomes didn’t fear 2nd half Ohio State would come over and run over them 32 times in a row just to prove a point. That said, Clemson’s band did a nice Ohio State related thing.

12) Michigan State

What’s that? Michigan State beat Bowling Green in a game no one cared about and the Gnomes have to come up with a GIF?

13) Penn State (1-0)

Lose to Pitt and the Gnomes promise to come up with all sorts of mockery for you. How could pass on that?