I heard the noise start up on Tuesday night. I was worried it might show up on the Pahdcast. A unceasing clattering coming from above my desk. The sound of little feet stomping and little voices cursing me. It was the Gopher Gnomes and they wanted to know why I wasn’t ready to work on the first “What’s The B1G Deal?” post of the year.
I explained that I was working hard on this new thing called the Ski-U-Pahdcast that we were all really excited about and that I’d be ready to take down their notes the next day. They were angry but accepting of that. Then the self inflicted audio editing errors struck, followed by Job A being Job A. Next thing you know it’s Friday and they’re throwing tiny paper airplanes at me made out of the following message mocking my poor project management.
I hear you Gnomes. I hear you. I’ll try to be better. Because I had pissed them off, they only consented to giving me GIFs to use for each team. I’m hoping they’ll be more talkative next week. In the meantime, here are the Big Ten teams Power ranked by things the Gnomes want to mock (not all of which are related to how the team played)
1) Illinois (1-0)
IlLOLnois should have lost to Ball State but didn’t. The loss would have been bad enough on it’s own, but then I realized it would have been doubly sad because I’m pretty sure not losing to Ball State is the only thing Illinois fans have to lord over Northwestern right now.
How bad was this game? THIS BAD.
Illinois had -12 yards in the 3rd quarter. Oof.— The Champaign Room (@Champaign_Room) September 2, 2017
And this bad.
Illinois football pic.twitter.com/1MH56FJld0— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) September 2, 2017
That GIF. Drink it in, it always goes down smooth.
Don’t worry though, once Lovie finds his Cutler this will all be ok. He’s not just collecting a paycheck or anything. Nope.
I maintain that Lovie Smith took the job at Illinois simply because his wife told him he needed to get out of the house— Blake Ruane (@blakeruane) September 2, 2017
2) Michigan (1-0)
Michigan beat Florida by less than they should have but they have an excuse.
Michigan takes the lead, not long after Wilton Speight did Wilton Speight things. pic.twitter.com/ZALIyctkAT— Dr. Saturday (@YahooDrSaturday) September 2, 2017
Rather than talk more about the game the Gnomes would rather focus on is this bit of lunacy from a Michigan fan that appeared on the internet today:
The Gnomes want to be clear. This man is an idiot. With $6800 you could fly into an airport 4 hours away, rent a car, arrive with plenty of time to get a good night’s sleep and drink heavily the next day, and STILL be head in the “money” game as you use that $6800 in airline credit to take 3 trips to Hawaii over the next year.
Also, this guy was a the game.
TELL 'EM FAM... pic.twitter.com/Vqg2CBlvBV— College Sports Only (@OfficialCSO) September 2, 2017
Michigan fans are the worst.
3) Maryland (1-0)
Maryland went out and make Texas fans hate themselves which is good. They played in a way that suggests Maryland may be better than expected, which is bad.
This is all very confusing and the gnomes would much prefer that Maryland get back to being disappointing while wearing very loud uniforms. This is probably the point where you wonder why Maryland is number three in these rankings. Because the gnomes are still giggling about Texas but they don’t talk about Big 12 teams here so Maryland is just the vessel for this discussion.
Tom Herman's renovations hitting a snag pic.twitter.com/rvNO2ZB48S— SB Nation CFB (@SBNationCFB) September 2, 2017
There's no better place to be after an inexplicable loss than @BarkingCarnival. pic.twitter.com/1753GszQ4K— (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ 1461 (@Bitterwhiteguy) September 3, 2017
Barking Carnival is putting out quality #content that we will need to emulate in the future but I digress...
Or Texas is still shitty. https://t.co/XAvYt5TSCr— Salt Creek & Stadium (@SaltCreekGBR) September 2, 2017
TEXAS BACK LEVELS:— ☠ (@SmokingMusket) September 2, 2017
Explains why they're not having much trouble with Texas then https://t.co/XXz91zzCZs— Melissa Triebwasser (@TheCoachMelissa) September 2, 2017
Oh yes then there was Baylor which is in Texas so the Gnomes think it is still germane to Maryland’s #3 ranking...
Baylor out here losing to one of the unalienable rights— Steven Keers (@stevenkeers) September 3, 2017
Please enjoy my play-by-play commentary of a fox running through the stands at McLane Stadium #Baylor pic.twitter.com/CNom02pu3j— Jessica Morrey (@JessicaMorrey) September 2, 2017
4) Indiana (0-1)
After a whole bunch of “Maybe Indiana is...GOOD?” tweets this happened:
I swear to Jobu that’s something I thought the football gods would have saved for Minnesota but here we are. Chant “Overrated” just before giving up the go-ahead score and getting run the eff over? You go up the mockery rankings.
On the plus side...
Log rolling is a club sport at IU and that is legitimately cool IMO.— Elite Zubaz (@GoAUpher) September 1, 2017
5) Iowa (1-0)
The gnomes would love to mock Iowa but they didn’t really earn it other than being from Iowa which the Gnomes have decided they can’t use as their sole reason every week despite its validity. Just to be clear though, they relish the opportunity to rank Iowa higher for Ferentz related reasons soon.
If the next step isn't increased angry gum chewing then I'm not sure what we're talking about. https://t.co/u6helohapE— Elite Zubaz (@GoAUpher) September 1, 2017
In the meantime they’ve put Iowa #5 under the previous Maryland precedent.
Dammit Wyoming you had one job. AND IT WASN’T TO DO THIS.
A Wyoming 5-yard punt. That might have gone 8 yards in the Wyoming altitude.— Mike Hlas (@Hlas) September 2, 2017
I mean, for goodness sakes Wyoming! You gave Iowa fans a chance to tweet about their punter recruiting!
14-3 Iowa because the Wyoming punter can't punt. This is why you recruit good punters to punt the ball when you need to punt.— BlackHeartGoldPants (@BHGP) September 2, 2017
You’re bad and should feel bad Wyoming. I know the Gnomes would agree with this.
6) Rutgers (0-1)
I know it shocked everyone, but Rutgers played ok football for a decent part of their Friday night game against Washington before losing. HOWEVER...
Greetings from the hot tubs at the Rutgers game: pic.twitter.com/Bk91slvGrm— Nicole Auerbach (@NicoleAuerbach) September 1, 2017
THIS WAS YOUR BIG PROMO FOR STUDENTS? THREE PEOPLE PER HOT TUB SURROUNDED BY CAMERAS AND A LIFEGUARD? FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.
7) Nebraska (1-0)
Nebraska won a shootout with Arkansas State? OH BOY THAT NEBRASKA DEFENSE IS LOOKING :FIRE: RIGHT NOW!
Keep it up Nebraska, the gnomes believe in you!
On the plus, your fans are coming through with the good kind of :fire: too.
Source: /u/DarthFluttershy_ (We're vocal supporters but these guys are doing the work!) https://t.co/QeC6n0LS9d— Husker Fan Podcast (@HuskerPod) September 2, 2017
8) Northwestern (1-0)
You tried to get your early non-con loss on there Northwestern, and for that the Gnomes commend you. Sure, you won but you didn’t look impressive doing it so we’re good.
9) Wisconsin (1-0)
Wisconsin did such a nice job of losing early before scoring like 42 unanswered points and walking away with the victory. SO ANNOYING. This feels relevant to our Wisconsin hate though.
Your team's early struggles thus far will work themselves out eventually. Your rivals? Indicative of a larger trend.— Shep Rattlerson (@RedCupRebellion) September 2, 2017
10) Purdue (0-1)
The gnomes were about to rank Purdue #13 in honor of them actually playing a decent game. Then this happened.
There are Purdue fans in Indy jumping around, on camera. Fuck Purdue.— Elite Zubaz (@GoAUpher) September 3, 2017
In other news, this is technically a Purdue home game. Did no one have enough pride to tell the Lucas Oil Stadium folks not to do that shit?— Elite Zubaz (@GoAUpher) September 3, 2017
You’re dead to me Purdue.
11) Ohio State (1-0)
They would have been SO MUCH HIGHER if the Gnomes didn’t fear 2nd half Ohio State would come over and run over them 32 times in a row just to prove a point. That said, Clemson’s band did a nice Ohio State related thing.
Clemson's band trolling Ohio State in its halftime show... pic.twitter.com/obTPrLz6jD— #DaHale (@DavidHaleESPN) September 2, 2017
12) Michigan State
What’s that? Michigan State beat Bowling Green in a game no one cared about and the Gnomes have to come up with a GIF?
13) Penn State (1-0)
Lose to Pitt and the Gnomes promise to come up with all sorts of mockery for you. How could pass on that?