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Go Gnome, You’re Drunk: Week 3

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ALL HAIL PURDUE!

This past weekend of football is what the Gophers Gnomes live for! You had an inexplicable loss to a MAC team. You had a win over an FCS that provided more evidence that the winning team was, in fact, bad. You had a Pac-12 After Dark meltdown. You had a rivalry loss. And you had all sorts of general weirdness.

Plus the Gophers beat Fresno State! WOOOOOOOOOO!

Last “opponent” to face Minnesota

Oh Fresno State. You were a worthy MWC foe. There was a reason our doofus human translator picked you to win. (/hey I resemble that remark) But your fans. Oh no, your fans. Turning up in the comments to talk smack, which, really, what is the plan there anyway?

I mean, comment section talk is one thing. But then you had to go and accost the fine professional beverage providers of Stadium Village with your foolish talk.

Please go win a lot of games this season Fresno. Just keep your fans busy talking shit to Boise State fans ok?

Other Fresno State (ish) snark the Gnomes liked.

Next “opponent” up

/Gnomes are informed that the Gophers are playing Miami of Ohio.

//Gnomes laugh

///Gnomes refuse to waste any more time making fun of Miami when there is a Purdue to skewer

POINT AND LAUGH

Purdue, a team that definitely lost to Eastern Michigan.

Purdue was supposed to be past this. All the talking heads were saying “hey Purdue is going to be so much better now” because they didn’t dick trip into a 3 win season in Brohm’s first year as head coach. The Gnomes understand. When a team has been super terribad for as long as Purdue some hype is inevitable. And the Gnomes don’t blame Purdue fans for wanting it all to be true. But maybe, just maybe, everyone should have waited to see if Purdue over-performed last year?

And now we’ve reached the predictable gnashing of teeth and displays of worry and angst. It’s so sad to see, because all of it could have been avoided by simply talking to the Gnomes and their furry friend Goldy Bulldog. You see, Goldy Bulldog is really smart and he’s really good at answering questions. For example:

See, wasn’t that easier than getting your hopes up?

Other Purdue snark the Gnomes liked.

Nebraska is totally back y’all.

Hey so what would you say if I told you Nebraska lost to Colorado Buffalo, at home, in Scott Frost’s first game, after cancelling their other first game due to weather and poor planning while not refunding any fans for their trouble?

But hey there were totally good things too so let’s get our hopes up and not worry too much which I’m sure won’t end badly when the team continues to struggle this season.

Other Nebraska snark the Gnomes liked.

Illinois? Still bad.

YOU DIDN’T HAVE A LEAD UNTIL 2:16 LEFT IN THE SECOND QUARTER. But hey, still undefeated right?

Just give up and cheer for the Chicago Bears y’all. I’m sure that will totally work out for you this ye...OH.

Michigan State is horrified to learn that Pac-12 After Dark is rated TV-MA for strong language and Herm Edwards.

You lost to a coach who says this stuff.

Other Michigan State (ish) snark the Gnomes liked.

Random CFB snark the Gnomes are here for.

DIS IS GOOD