This past weekend of football is what the Gophers Gnomes live for! You had an inexplicable loss to a MAC team. You had a win over an FCS that provided more evidence that the winning team was, in fact, bad. You had a Pac-12 After Dark meltdown. You had a rivalry loss. And you had all sorts of general weirdness.
Plus the Gophers beat Fresno State! WOOOOOOOOOO!
Last “opponent” to face Minnesota
Oh Fresno State. You were a worthy MWC foe. There was a reason our doofus human translator picked you to win. (/hey I resemble that remark) But your fans. Oh no, your fans. Turning up in the comments to talk smack, which, really, what is the plan there anyway?
I mean, comment section talk is one thing. But then you had to go and accost the fine professional beverage providers of Stadium Village with your foolish talk.
Fresno fans in the bar this afternoon promised me we wouldn’t stay within 40 of their team....— Stub & Herbs (@StubAndHerbs) September 9, 2018
Please go win a lot of games this season Fresno. Just keep your fans busy talking shit to Boise State fans ok?
Other Fresno State (ish) snark the Gnomes liked.
If you had told me four years ago that an Ohio State fan would tweet salt about Jerry Kill winning the B1G CoTY at the moment Ohio State clinched a national championship I would have called the police. https://t.co/vQvLusXTT0— Still Got Hope (@StillGotHope1) September 9, 2018
Next “opponent” up
/Gnomes are informed that the Gophers are playing Miami of Ohio.
///Gnomes refuse to waste any more time making fun of Miami when there is a Purdue to skewer
POINT AND LAUGH
Purdue, a team that definitely lost to Eastern Michigan.
Purdue was supposed to be past this. All the talking heads were saying “hey Purdue is going to be so much better now” because they didn’t dick trip into a 3 win season in Brohm’s first year as head coach. The Gnomes understand. When a team has been super terribad for as long as Purdue some hype is inevitable. And the Gnomes don’t blame Purdue fans for wanting it all to be true. But maybe, just maybe, everyone should have waited to see if Purdue over-performed last year?
And now we’ve reached the predictable gnashing of teeth and displays of worry and angst. It’s so sad to see, because all of it could have been avoided by simply talking to the Gnomes and their furry friend Goldy Bulldog. You see, Goldy Bulldog is really smart and he’s really good at answering questions. For example:
See, wasn’t that easier than getting your hopes up?
Other Purdue snark the Gnomes liked.
Purude, you the wall. pic.twitter.com/Fqv8xImIMl— The Official Kirk Ferentz Fan Club Account (@PV_GIA) September 8, 2018
*swirls Purdue around in glass* ah yes, a vintage Purdue, a lose at home to weather vane schools, inexplicably dominate 1-2 ranked teams and face Indiana in the final game for a bucket and bowl eligibility Purdue. The sturdiest of Purdues— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) September 8, 2018
Purdue just lost to a team that doesn't even have the money to have color uniforms, film noir-ass team— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) September 8, 2018
Imagine being a Purdue fan and spending 4 hours in the rain in West Lafayette of all places... for that.— RossWB (@RossWB) September 8, 2018
Nebraska is totally back y’all.
Hey so what would you say if I told you Nebraska lost to Colorado Buffalo, at home, in Scott Frost’s first game, after cancelling their other first game due to weather and poor planning while not refunding any fans for their trouble?
But hey there were totally good things too so let’s get our hopes up and not worry too much which I’m sure won’t end badly when the team continues to struggle this season.
Other Nebraska snark the Gnomes liked.
Nebraska won't pay Colorado its money until they forfeit.— The Official Kirk Ferentz Fan Club Account (@PV_GIA) September 8, 2018
“Nebraska Lost But Should Still Be Awarded a 1-point Win” my column:— Ya Mo Biff There (@biffthetick) September 9, 2018
Looking forward to the forthcoming "Why Nebraska Should Be 2-0" article today— jdmill (@jdmill) September 9, 2018
Illinois? Still bad.
YOU DIDN’T HAVE A LEAD UNTIL 2:16 LEFT IN THE SECOND QUARTER. But hey, still undefeated right?
Just give up and cheer for the Chicago Bears y’all. I’m sure that will totally work out for you this ye...OH.
Michigan State is horrified to learn that Pac-12 After Dark is rated TV-MA for strong language and Herm Edwards.
You lost to a coach who says this stuff.
Edwards: "Most college coaches want to score. They always think points are the thing... That's where it gets away from them, I think."— DevilsDigest.com (@DevilsDigest) September 10, 2018
Other Michigan State (ish) snark the Gnomes liked.
Herm Edwards now has as many wins over Michigan State as Jim Harbaugh does— Connor Tapp (@ConnorTapp247) September 9, 2018
Random CFB snark the Gnomes are here for.
Can't let FSU hang around like that, Samford.— Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) September 9, 2018
Florida RB took the Kentucky loss so hard that he transferred https://t.co/XfmGID0G0r— RedditCFB (@RedditCFB) September 9, 2018
Well when you lose to Kentucky there’s only one way to cope— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) September 9, 2018
JUST TAKE EM https://t.co/EG7KMr3VVm
Oh my god one of these teams is gonna have a winning record pic.twitter.com/B8UJn1rZSH— RedditCFB (@RedditCFB) September 9, 2018