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NCAA launches investigation into Minnesota’s undefeated record

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They ain’t played nobody

Maryland v Minnesota Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

The National College Athletic Association (NCAA), coordinating with the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), announced this morning that they will be opening an investigation into claims that the Minnesota Golden Gophers’ 8-0 record is illegitimate.

The NCAA issued the following statement:

In response to multiple allegations that the University of Minnesota football program’s undefeated record is fraudulent, the NCAA is launching a formal investigation to determine the credibility of these allegations and to assess whether the University acted improperly in simply playing, and defeating, the teams on their schedule.

FBI Special Agent Bill Kirshner is the point person for the joint task force, and to say he is dubious of the Gophers’ “undefeated record” would be an understatement.

“I can tell you right here and right now, there is not an FBS program in the country called South Dakota State,” Kirshner said, candidly. “That’s what set off the first alarm in our heads.”

The second alarm, according to Kirshner, was sounded by Nebraska, the Gophers’ purported opponent in Week 7. Investigators have thus far been unable to produce records of the Cornhuskers’ football program from the last 20 years. “It’s like the they up and vanished from the face of the earth around 1998,” Kirshner said. “It’s damn peculiar.”

Investigators have also begun to privately express doubts about Illinois, the team that Minnesota was believed to have defeated by a score of 40-17 in Week 6. The FBI has pointed to the recent College Football Playoff rankings to support their suspicions.

“You’re telling me that Wisconsin, the team at No. 13 in the rankings, lost to a team that Minnesota supposedly beat 40-17? I don’t need a calculator to know that that math don’t add up,” Kirshner said, chuckling to himself and pocketing his calculator.

Kirshner expects that more damning information will come to light as the NCAA and the FBI apply further scrutiny to the Gophers’ schedule, but at least one Big Ten opponent on their schedule has already been circled as an obvious fabrication.

“You expect me to believe there is a Big Ten program in New Jersey?”

Satire