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The Big Ten is facing an epidemic of backslapping injuries

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Self congratulation casualties are at an all time high, as is feverish bloviating.

Artificial coma ended in Kremlin critic Nawalny Photo by Bernd von Jutrczenka/picture alliance via Getty Images

It’s time to face facts. The Big Ten is in trouble. A tidal wave of self inflicted injury is sweeping across the Plains and through the Midwest. Suffering brought on by excessive backslapping and loud ignorant statements is growing at an exponential rate. If fans, parents, and nautical themed Tik Tok performance artists don’t take swift action, they may struggle to lift their arms, talk at a normal volume, or write without caps lock on ever again.

In the hours following the Big Ten’s announcement that football would resume on October 24th, previously incensed parents from Iowa, Nebraska, Ohio State, and other Big Ten schools rejoiced at their power. “I knew my 24”x36” neon green LET THEM PLAY sign would get it done!” said Iowa parent Henry Helicopter. “When you combined that sign with my proximity to a Fogo de Chao, there was no way Kevin Warren or the Big Ten Presidents would be able to say no to us.”

Ohio State SuperMom Sally Snowplow is just glad she can say “I told you so” to all the people on Twitter. “Sure feels good to know that writing a sternly worded letter got this done. A lot of people were quick to call us over involved in our sons lives. But my little Jimmy needs my help. After all, how else is he supposed to learn that my vocal cheerleading is the only way he’ll ever overcome adversity? Is he really supposed to work through that on his own when I can write letters to his girlfriends telling them why they’re mean and to his future employers explaining why the deadline for his presentations are unreasonable?”

Parents weren’t the only folks breaking their arms while smacking their own spines. Several Nebraska players couldn’t help but puff their chests out about their lawsuit. “I knew when that weird local lawyer who is also running for political office showed up and told us he could get us BIG money for suing the Big Ten that it would pay off” said offensive tackle Carl Crewnecksweatshirt. “The fact that we were also able to force the conference to let us play is simply a bonus. Say, can you tell me when the big fat check from Kevin Warren will be delivered? Also, can it be one of those novelty checks? I want to parade around with it so everyone knows this happened because of me.”

Media members, social media hangers on, and fanboard diehards have also loudly taken credit for the return of Big Ten football. The internet in Nebraska crashed earlier today from the sheer tonnage of words written about how special Nebraska is and how this couldn’t have happened without the state and it’s fans, who just happen to be the best and most dedicated anywhere. Those same fans hurried to HuskerMax to talk about how their tweets were instrumental in the decision, as surely Kevin Warren read every one them.

Ohio State affiliated nautical superstar Sir Dinghy was quick to note that he’d been right on with his sources since Day 1. When asked to explain the 237 times he said something was happening before it did not in fact happen, he simply replied “I’m not a reporter. The whole point here was to get people to subscribe to my podcast. When I started the only advertisers I had was a local wig shop. Now? I’m sponsored by Manscaping, the #1 men’s crotch grooming tool in the world. I’ve also supported by every one of those apps that let you get erectile dysfunction medication prescribed by a doctor you never see and can’t be sure actually has a medical license. Heck, if this had gone on one week longer I think I could have landed ZipRecruiter!”

Despite all the praise being self delivered across the Big Ten, one key and instrumental individual has been ignored. When we reached Mr. Rapid Antigen Test at home this morning he was resigned to the realization that his importance would be lost on all but the most erudite Big Ten fans. “I think it’s a little weird that the most important change since August 11th (ME, THE RAPID TEST) would be ignored. After all, the two biggest problems facing the Big Ten when they made the decision were the ability to deliver a robust testing regime that helped to limit the amount of contract tracing that would be required by a positive COVID result. I come along, make all this possible, and instead of being thanked I have to watch Ohio State rubes talk about how this is all happening because Ryan Day got really angry. What a crock.”

Satire