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Minnesota Gopher Football: Dear Coach Fleck: Please beat Iowa

A desperate plea to beat Iowa and bring back Floyd

Minnesota v Iowa Photo by Matthew Holst/Getty Images

Dear Coach Fleck,

I hope this letter finds you well. I trust you were able to get a little rest over the bye week, to recharge and have had adequate time to prepare your team for this week’s game at Iowa.

I would like to thank you for your 6 12 years of work put into the Gopher football program. Throughout your years under contract here the team has had a run of sustained success that has been considered out of the ordinary for this program. A top 10 ranking in the final AP poll for the first time since the 60s, an 11-win season with a win over Auburn in a January 1st bowl game, a 3-2 record over Wisconsin in the last 5 seasons, more players drafted than in recent decades, no significant off-the-field issues to be reported, a very high APR ranking and overall a football program that we, as fans, can not only be proud of but also enjoy competing.

I’m sure that you, much like many Gopher faithful, are not entirely pleased with the results of the first half of this season. The Northwestern game is one we would like to forget and the Michigan loss was ugly, but let’s be honest...I’ve seen those before. This team may not be elite, but I also see no reason to believe that this is the norm.

But I’m writing today to ask if you could do me, and I humbly am asking on behalf of all Gopher fans, a huge favor.

Could you please, PLEASE beat Iowa?

In your six prior attempts to beat Kirk Ferentz and the Hawkeyes, you have probably had the better team half of the time, yet we all know that the record stands as 0-6.

Perhaps they’ve been lucky. Perhaps they’ve generated their own luck. Maybe it is the pink locker rooms. I don’t really care, just beat the fucking Hawkeyes, please!

You should know by now, but just in case you’ve forgotten, this Iowa offense is not going to look like a traditional Iowa offense. An offense that routinely scores fewer than 3 touchdowns per game is averaging over 29 points against your program in the last 5 matchups. And that includes last year’s 13-point outburst from the Hawkeyes, bringing the average to under 30 points. That offensive mastermind, Brian Ferentz, will have some tricks up his sleeve to find ways to score more points than punts.

We don’t really care how it happens, low-scoring or a shootout, it doesn’t really matter. Just please beat the fucking Hawkeyes and bring Floyd back to Minnesota. He hasn’t been able to make that trip to the Minnesota State Fair in a very long time.

Best Regards,